aug log music and book log reading and movies lists
Tuesday September 30

9:52pm

I left my notebook at home today. Unfortunate, as I had some neat thoughts.
Just going to leave some good Of Human Bondage quotes below. (I must remember a pencil next time I leave the house to read. I hate using my phone to take photos of the excerpts.)
  • "...and this vice [self-analysis], as subtle as drug-taking, had taken possession of him so that he had now a peculiar keenness in the dissection of his feelings."
  • "...I daresay one profits more by the mistakes one makes off one's own bat than by doing the right thing on somebody else's advice."
  • "He had read somewhere that every man was born a Platonist, an Aristotelian, a Stoic, or an Epicurean; and the history of George Henry Lewes (besides tell you that philosophy was all moonshine) was there to show that the thought of each philosopher was inseparably connected with the man he was." [[looking into this]]

    • I like that this novel has a lot of reference. I enjoy researching the pieces of art and people that are mentioned. [Like Manet's Olympia and Cleo de Merode]

    Fixed up the site a bit. Learning margin vs padding vs border. (See, I got the lil dots inside the box!)

    Well now, a few hours later, I got rid of the boxes.

    Monday September 29

    5:55pm

    "Would he always love only in absence and be prevented from enjoying anything when he had the chance by that deformity of vision which seemed to exaggerate the revolting?"

    Made it to the lake for the first time. Release from the city is good for the mind.
    I wrote some thoughts:
  • I like the song of the Carolina Wren
  • I prefer to watch the trains leave than come. Departure instills a completeness. Someting over. While arrival signifies uncertainty. Something begining. Uncertainty.
  • I did not travel deep into the woods, as much as I may have liked. I became fearful of unsafety.
  • I like running down hills
  • Yearning for a man who runs in the woods
  • Yearing to watch a train depart with my love aboard.
  • Fanny Price kinda an incel [[wrote this unaware of her demise]]
  • Birds I saw: Red-bellied Woodpecker, Mallard, Blue Heron, Snowy Egret, Eastern Bluebird


    • I really like Of Human Bondage. Chapter XLVII is top.
    "He wanted to be swept off his feet and borne powerless in a mighty rush he cared not wither...Life was not giving him what he wanted, and he had an uneasy feeling that he was losing his time...He was in love with love."
    Relatable ;_;

    Lists are fucked up, so gotta mess with the CSS...eventually.

    I would be mistaken to give provide this URL to a man I love. I supposed that means I can write about them without fear.
    I always feel it is too obvious of who when I write of specific love.
    Friday September 26

    10:21pm

    I know my last entry was "good", but I cannot bring myself to reread it.

    I slept on the floor last night. Comfortable, but the rattle of the apartment is much more apparent.
    Worked on some sewing projects. Still hoping for something certain.
    Wednesday September 24

    8:49pm

    The headspace to write, but nothing to. A mind full of thoughts, but no way to articulate. A desire to remain stoic.

    When next love comes, please let it be the last.

    I want to crawl into...someone and do something.

    Abandoned reflections ceased for a moment, just to see how the new boots look with this outfit.
    Resolved to continue in ignorance of my own appearance.
    I will commit to a appealing exterior, but not as an obstacle to the appealing interior.


    "A new environment and a new example gave him the opportunity to find himself."


    An outsider looking in at her own family. Abandoned how long ago? Three, nearly four years ago.
    Am I so much not unlike my own father? (I <3 double negatives)
    To a much lesser degree, of course.


    I am going senseless over the indirection.
    What are the differences? Why is one better than the other? Well, why can't I not have both?(dbbl neg makes sense right?)


    A granular life.



    I was raised in a fairly conservative household. The sole daughter of a single mother, raised in the same church. To justify what is right with God and what is right with thyself. (lol is it cringe to use that word???)
    Quaint liberations to erode the mold, and define the norm.

    I found these liberations in the dictionaries, thesauri, and health books in my own home.
    Definition to synonym to definition, completing the network and assuring my complete knowledge in the "sensual"
    Then the indexes of


    I think I have a really good idea going here. I should refrain from writing publicly til I have something more substantial.
    Sunday September 20

    1:31pm

    "You know, there are two good things in life, freedom of thought and freedom of action. In France you get freedom of action: you can do what you like and nobody bothers, but you must think like everybody else. In Germany you must do what everybody else does, but you may think as you choose. They're both very good things. I personally prefer freedom of thought. But in England you get neither: you're ground down by convention. You can't tink as you like and you can't act as you like. That's because it's a democratic nation. I expect America's worse."

    About 10% through Of Human Bondage. Easy read, but long.
    Wednesday September 17

    1:47pm

    Making a dent in the movies list. Watched 3 or 4 the past few days.
    Saturday September 13

    8:23pm

    A day of solitude, only to take comfort in socializing with strangers.
    I captured the opportunity to flirt with the man standing ahead of me. He would never be the ectomorph man of my dreams, but I figured I could induldge him.
    He took an interest in my many visits to this event. I asked if he was looking for anything in particular -- comics and magazines. So he could trace them and learn to draw.
    Interesting
    His dream to tell a woman that he will draw her, but he is not quite there yet.
    "You could ask for a picture of her you can trace"
    A quip to shut it down.
    "What are your hobbies"
    I realized he was flirting with me.
    "I like to write"
    I couldn't go on. Can't have an endomorph intersted in me.

    I picked up three dictionaries and a thesaurus. As reference, for any and all writing.
    I spent 15 minutes on one text. Was not satisfied with it. I cannot express my desires on a phone.
    Friday September 12

    10:44pm

    "...people never change their lives, that in any case one life is as good as another."

    -Monsieur Antichrist



    Reading Camus aloud with a French accent (alone, of course). Finsished the Stranger in one day.

    The most misread loathsome man I know loves Woolf, as do I, and it doesn't make sense.

    Woolf is like reading a dream. The reader adopts the perspective and worldview of one character, only to find, from another's perspective, that what they've adopted is flawed.
    I don't think this man has ever had a dream.
    Looking at my past gives me a terrible feeling about love, but I can't seem to shake all hope.
    I just want to write something nice about love for once (I need to write about something postive soon)
    Can't recall where I was going with that thought, started watching this.
    Thursday September 11

    6:22pm

    I wrapped my hair, slick with goo, in the $25 100% silk scarf I picked up at consignment shop in Princeton last March.

    Its a beautiful blue, white, and black geometric pattern -- I wish I could describe it better, but I don't know much about it.
    I wish I wore it more, but I don't, and I don't think I ever will. Its about time I upgrade to a silk hair goo wrap anyways.
    Having hair is weird. Being vain is weird.
    I made silly hairstyles in the mirror when applying the goo.
    After stripping my life bare of excess, I am mending the emptiness with only enjoyments. Slowly, this is context.

    I like taking care of myself and looking cute, validated by others, but I hate that they can tell, because I can't tell.

    Everything I do makes me happy, I wish I could do everything everyday.
    I've been letting time pass me by, worrying about whats to come and what has been.
    But I fear trying to pass time is what got me here.
    Wednesday September 10
    Acting suspicious on Internet Archive because I hate the username I chose.
    I have a maladaptive ambition to digitize all my collections, but I think this will do for now.
    Only adding CDs as I change them out of player. (Included the manual for that too)
    Should I add audio, image, or both file types?
    I might just make two different lists, or maybe a list isn't the organizational system.
    I could go to Discogs, but my collections are a variety of formats, and I would like them all in one place.
    Tuesday September 9
    Regaining whatever it was I lost last night. Faithfully me, but others shouldn't see.
    Monday September 8
    Without, without, without. Want clouds has.
    Restrain, restrain, restain. Your wants remain.


    A few drink in and the want appears. Across the bar, I stare.
    A few more, the drafts sent.
    I've read three Woolf books since you left. Will you love me again?
    "hi"
    --null--
    "i want to crawl into you and die*"
    --that is a sweet thing to say--


    *09/10 - I meanedered around town while this thought roamed through my mind. I should have let wander a bit more.
    It's promising that I can hold a thought and hammer away at it for a couple days, at least. (this post confirming the need to add more days)
    If I had given it a couple more days, I would have dropped the "and die" part. (can't remember exactly what "part" of the sentence it is. Some type of verb in the verb phrase)

    "I want to crawl into you" is good enough for now. I will keep expanding on it.
    Sunday September 7
    Disheveling the CSS. Instilling chaos when I ought to be rectifying outstanding errors.
    The results of a site from unbridled motivations.

    Musing on love as a facade. Hoping to pervert this trusim a bit before prattling on. Such a strong desire to jump, but the restraint is beyond sway.

    Maybe my words would sounds better with music.

    Got the synth out today.
    Tuesday September 2
    7:58pm
    Back in Baltimore