Wednesday April 15, 2026

9:55pm

There is so much to learn from others, yet no one eager to teach. Learning so much from one person leaves you wanting more, especially when you can no longer source knowledge from that person. I will continue to learn on my own. I appreciate the inspiration that came with his teachings. It is hard to cope knowing he only want to see me once every two months, once a month at most.

But to only learn once a month, or once every two months, I could not accept. To hold my curiosity for weeks on end, waiting for the day he could teach me, would be torture. Perhaps it is a failing in patience, to want to know in that moment. I could wait a week, I can stay suspended in the unknown, knowing that in a matter of days curiosity would be quenched. But any longer would not satisfy my need. My need to learn, and to be taught by those I know. The people I know who possess the knowledge to help me solve my problems. I need him to teach me more Linux bash commands. But in one or two months time, I would have learned myself.

It a selfishness. To want someone, to learn from, to grow from (perhaps, ideally, with them) But nothing connects me more, than sharing knowledge. I am struggling. As I type all this up with easy in nano - due to the knowledge he shared with me. And to think how easy it was to learn from him, I cannot have that any longer (or, at least, for these moments and the foreseeable future.)

I continue to add to that list - "Things to talk to him about" Should be titled "Things I he can teach me" But knowing I will never learn from him again, I must teach myself.

I guess this is some independence or something. But god forgive me, I want to talk about Linux with someone. I want to solve problems with someone.

Even in my longing and wanting, never to be satisfied, I am grateful for the brief, yet altering, time we spent together, this time (as we have had many brief moments together, but this one was so unlike the others) I feel the emptiness. I feel the hope, knowing what I've learned from this brief moment, that maybe there is someone out there who could do the same. And even if my hopes never materialize, at least I know there was one person.

He shared his art, I shared mine. Emptying, scathing, critiques. I will heal the lesions through betterment - improve my writing, understand its purpose, understand why I write.

My notes on Chapter 6 of The Dialectic of Sex created in hopes to share with other women, who have experienced the same woes of love. A document to reference when once again, they are failed by a man. To remind them, it is not them, and it may not even be the individual man himself (although unlikely) - it is the sex-class system that oppresses women, which pressures them to love a man, even when they know his actions are fake. To work so hard to rationalize why a man does not love them. The answer is simple - a man would never submit to a woman. A man would never want to see a woman once a week, to subject his precious time - spent with a woman - invalidates his status in the higher class of males. The hours spent together - the woman thinking that the relationship is progressing, only to learn that he is submitting to her. He wants her to raise his own status and confirm his own ego, but when she demands more time with him, to deepen their relationship, he becomes aware that he is subjecting himself to the wills of the lower class - women. He cannot accept, so he leaves.

God damn a man who concerns himself with class struggle, yet behaves in ways, that in no way, show any understanding or concern for the subjection of women. He desires labor class liberation, but cannot fathom the liberation of women.

10:38pm

Enough ranting against this man, as my contempt is only a cope, because I do miss him.