Monday January 27, 2025
I'm excited to visit my family. They remind me that I am doing okay.
I'm excited to visit my family. They remind me that I am doing okay.
I'm excited to visit my family. They remind me that I am doing okay.
Thursday January 23, 2025
Taking today and tomorrow off work. I work a hybrid schedule, but teleworked my usual in office days this week due to the extreme cold. Boss wanted me to come in today and tomorrow instead then. Which I initially agreed to, before I realized that it wouldn't warm up til next week.
Well, its still too cold for me to be walking to and from work. So, instead of weasling my way out of in-office the next two days, I just called off sick. Fuck em. I'm tired of standing up for myself and trying to make a point.
Yeah I walk over half and hour to and from work and I refuse to do that in below freezing weather. Would've been nice if my boss understood this without me explicitly telling her, but whatever. If it comes up I'll tell her.
So I initally spent today lounging around feeling lonely and sorry for myself. I've been dealing with some extreme fatigue. Although I have no problem going out and doing things alone, I find that the experience has been even more depressing than usual.
The extreme cold also makes leaving my apartment very unwelcoming.
But I eventually made it out today. Went to another art museum and had one drink at the bar while I read a few chapters of Frankenstein.
I haven't had a drink in over a month. I don't really feel like I am missing out on much bar scene wise. But the reminder was nice.
Eveyone is too loud. Getting all worked up and excited. Over what?
There was another woman at the bar, alone. Listening to music, doing her own thing. Made me feel less alone. I know what I am doing isn't abnormal, but I wish I had someone to spend time with sometimes.
I've returned home with some ice cream and will watch a movie. I am looking forward to sleeping in again tomorrow. Wonder what I will get into.
Wednesday January 22, 2025
times when people complimented my appearance and it felt genuine:
While staying in Hungary, an old Brit and his wife were sharing the Hilton elevator with me. He begins chatting me up. His wife chimes in....(dang what did she say exactly??.....something about his wartime German girlfriend? or he has a thing for German women? [either way, it was a nice compliment. I'm glad my apperance reminds people of nice things--like their wartime German gf{my new aesthetic}])
Ran into a friend at the cafe.
Messing around with the site so it looks like garbage atm. Lemme cook for a couple days okay?
Tuesday January 21, 2025
Teleworked today. Same tomorrow, but have to make up my in office days on Thursday and Friday. One day I will have a fully remote position. Just have to keep apply and learning new skills....like Javascript!
Worked on a drag and drop script for the fishies on my homepage. It still needs some fine tuning, but it functions as intended.
Time to think of a new project for my site...I should probably clean things up a bit.
Animal Crossing
Still playing. Still kinda interesting? Its nice to have something to do every morning. And I have to turn on the lighthouse at the night for the next week. So thats something to do at night.
is that sad?
What about getting really into Sonic Adventure 2 Chao Garden?
Getting into modding and created this abomination.
Tweaked a few things and he is looking acceptable now.
I played this game so much as a child and remember being so ignorant on how things worked and why they happened.
I remeber interrupting a Chao evolution when I was young and being so upset. I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know how it was happening. Was it good or bad? What if I did something different?
Huh maybe this was an earlier indicator of anxiety lol.
I took one buckwheat pillow and made two Finishing up the pillowcases.
Monday January 20, 2025
Day off work. Always nice. Went to the gym. Organized and cleaned. Happened upon some old journals. Reading through them was a bit tough. I ultimately decided to throw them out.
I didn't feel like I was gaining anything from reading them. But it helped me realize how much I have grown, and how problematic I was a couple years ago.
I am glad I recognize that my behavior was inappropriate back then. I need to continue to work on not fall back into those ways.
It seemed like most of my issues stemmed from not having any space or privacy. Now that I live on my own, I have plenty of both.
Alot of the writing focused on blaming others or the powers that be. At the time, I really felt like I had no control. But I know now that I do have control. Even if my life doesn't reflect that. I can still control my emotions and how I treat people in dark times.
Everything I wrote was cringey and held no literary value. But I guess that is the point of jounraling. Although, I was hoping to get a few nuggets of good writitng....I was really unhappy back then. I didn't have space (physical and mental) to be creative.
I am grateful I can persue silly little hobbies like this website and rasing Chao in Sonic Adventure 2 Battle.
Sunday January 19, 2025
Was running into some trouble trying to push my code to Neocities, so I didn't get to log yesterday. Turns out the Animal Crossing Player's Guide PDF was messing things up.
Still not sure why, and I would like to have it on my site, but its something to troubleshoot later.
Booked plane tickets to visit my hometown in a couple weeks. I am looking forward to that.
Life has been tame. I went to the art museum for the first time yesterday. Was very excited, and surprised, to find a Botteicelli. I had to leave becuase I was overcome with such emotion.
Mary looked so much like my mom, and the angels, like me and my brothers. I ended up walking all the way back home in an introspective state. I was overcome with isolation and detachment.
Luckily I promised to phone my mom that day, which quickly remedied my unsatisfactory emotional state.
I need to expect less from life. Its okay to be physically alone, I know I am not emotionally alone. Its unfortunate that all my friends are so far away.
I read a letter from an old friend. My lack of communication and action to visit him causes me guilt, but I realize I am in a place in my life where I can finally make the trip to visit him.
I haven't sent the letter yet, but I hope he is open to the suggestion. I would love to get out and travel more. My life here is so small.
I feel motivated to add something new to this site. Lets see what I come up with.
Friday January 17, 2025
Met up with a friend for coffee and "working"...for me at least.
Still working on fixing Animal Crossing---
A compromise, because there is an higher level of cheating than time manip. But I feel like trying to implement cheats within the emulator is what got me here.
I just wanted to go to my island :(
I did learn that only one acre is causing the crash. So at least I can just avoid that acre now.
But what about Wisp?
What if a spirit spawns in that acre?
I have tried two different nights to complete the Wisp task.
I abandoned the task twice because I convinced myself that the final spirit was in that forbidden acre.
So now the paranoia is far too great to even continue. So I must fix this.
Or maybe its time I try out Animal Crossing...is it Wild World or New Leaf that is really fun?
It might be more fun to play those on console though...
I did find a PDF of the Animal Crossing Offical Player's Guide
Thursday January 16, 2025
My anxiety got the best of me this morning and I didn't make it out to get coffee. So I got to suffer through a migraine all day. Chatted with Pizza Bagel on the phone while I was bed-bound.
Felt well enough to go out and about around 5:30pm. Did some laundry, drank a lot of Coke Zero, and picked up a bahn mi for dinner.
Back at Animal Crossing, even tho I still get the error code. Received many visits from Resetti, even the type exactly what I say, but you have to remember it becuase you won't be seeing it while typing.
This error situation prompted me to bend my ethics and use save states. Not ideal, but works for the moment.
One pro to all this resetting, is that the fossils I reviece in the mail change with each reset. So, of course, I had to start using save states when I recieved two T-Rex torsos. Those are worth some money.
Wednesday January 15, 2025
Feelin like I am rallying from my week of self-victimization. Half way through the day at work I noticed I put my underwear on inside out and I didn't even cry! Now to deal with the fall out...thanks PMDD, even tho I am on two seperate forms of medical birth control.
Time to get back into Animal Crossing. Maybe Sonic Adventure Battle 2, cause I want a Chao.
Tuesday January 14, 2025
Another frustrating day. Got a tea pot. Animal Crossing keeps crashing and I can't be bothered to try and fix it atm. Maybe this weekend.
I need to stick to what I know. Smoking weed and keepin my mouth shut...or yapping on here.
Monday January 13, 2025
oops had a bad day. dont want to write about it srry.
Sunday January 12, 2025
Took some photos of my plants after rearranging them last night. [[sorry I keep forgetting to compress them so they might take a second to load]] The 2009 digital camera gives photos this strange uncanniness(is that a word?)
Playing around with the settings doesn't seem to help with the uneasy vibe these photos give. Maybe its because they are so reminescent of my teen years, which were a bit unhinged tbh.
I remember spending so much time getting the perfect setting and learning all the photo editing tricks to give myself the most aesthetic photos. It really is a shame all those photos are lost...there may be some on my old Mac, I should really crack that open again.
Fine day. Met with friends for coffee.
-e
Saturday January 11, 2025
Rough morning, but I made it to workout classes and picked up lunch after. Went thrifting and came away with an Irish linen top, a cotton rug, a black purse, and a fun dress with a funky silhouette.
I think I will dedicate Sundays to editing my log. I know its riddled with spelling errors and typos.
Last year I was seeing a man who described my physical apperance as "like a Botteicelli." So I've been a bit obsessed with that lately...for some reason.
So I finally got around to taking a closer look at some of his work. And I mean, the man who said it wasn't lying.[I wish my hair looked like that tho]
And this one looks like my mom and lil brother.
I wore my black cotton ribbed turtleneck under my XL mens grey cotton ribbed sweater and I looked so cute and cozy (paired with my uniqlo pleated pants and Converse run stars)
My mind is finally allowing me to feel cute no matter what I am wearing. Besides, whats cuter than being warm and comfy? :]
I love that nearly all my wardrobe is thrifted. Makes me feel even cuter.
Animal Crossing
I need to stay up for Wisp, but 12am is way past my bedtime. I might just cheat and change the time for the sake of my health.First loan has been paid off.
I am thinking of adding a page to this site with my AC info (villagers, collection progress, etc.)
I managed to stay up late enough to catch K.K. Slider. I think he's trying to impress me.
hes not like other guys.
Don't you think my mega nebuloid and I look cute?
Something about my town's villagers saving my game data makes me uncomfortable...like you just called me a "sucker" the other day Olivia, I dont want you touching my data.
Friday January 10, 2025
Laundromat was unexceptional today. Trying to read up on cyber ethics, but I can't find much motivation to read in general. I'd like to visit the dolphins and thrift, but its just too cold to be out and about for such frivolous reasons.
I've reached the point in my organizing and downsizing journey where the progess is actually visible. It will be easier to stay motivated now. I can't believe how much shit I have and absolutely don't need.
Animal Crossing
Menuing is the best part of Animal Crossing.
Uneventful day overall.
-e
Thursday January 9, 2025
Takeout, caffine, and ice cream always help me feel better. Referred to neurosurgery, so that's fun.
Resting and trying to stay warm today.
Trying to get back into the original Animal Crossing[need to organize my posts better]
its hard with a PS5 controller and my Elden Ring brain. I enjoyed listening to the 8pm winter music and watching the snow.
Per Anticotti's request, I sent her a letter saying "big butt, so what"[letter contents not included in the request].
She responded with a letter, attached to it, a 2-ball shirt. You think shes trying to say something about me??
I got an 18 Mat Tatami from Dizzy in an igloo. I love my tatmi mats, and this one sounds really cool when walking on it.
Picked up a CD drive
maybe I can digitize my CD collection. I guess if I am that desperate for a project....I should crochet something.
Site updates
night
-a
Wednesday January 8, 2025
Stuck in the office with no weed today ;-; I'm hoping my attempts at a more positive attitude will make being here a bit more tolerable.
Here's a quote I liked from that Mondo 2000 Todd Rundgren interview
In my current role, I am filling the world up with junk. I don't want to, and we don't have to. But I don't have it in me to repeatedly go up against the higher ups to state my case. Everyday, I fill the web with garbage resources with garbage metadata. I used to care, but quickly learned that I may be the only one that does here. The web is so accessible, rightfully so. But it feels like not many people have a strong foundation of how the web works. I barely have an understanding and I spend most of my days fiddling with this website."
Rundgren goes on to say:
The web is limitless. My favorite thing to do is find work-arounds to improve useability. But that's because I have a special interest in the web which grants me special knowledge. But that's just, as Rundgren calls, "hacker's machismo." The illusion that to be adequate you must be able to program a computer down on the bit level.
Browsing the Geocities archive, you can see webpages created by ordinary people. People want to creat an identity on the web. Unfortunately, corporations and bad actors have turned it into a commodity. Snuffing out unique identities so they can continue to push propaganda and unnecessary consumption. I wish I could grab the virtual friends I left behind on instagram and say "just learn html and make your own website plz!"
I hate my job so much. I get so off my routine when I go into the office. I don't care to write much more tonight. I had some inspiring moments - like the weird nostalgia walk to the tram stop downtown in the cold. It felt like Europe for a moment.- but thats enough elaboration, and enough of everything for today.
Tuesday January 7, 2025
I was able to leave my apartment. Cafe and gym. The usual. The strange woman who has a crush on me still works at the gym unfortunately.
Fortunately- I think she got the hint? She's been avoiding/ignoring me. Which isn't ideal-I would like to be friendly with her. But at least she isn't texting me weird personal shit anymore...like girl idk you.
I like to wear a plain silver ring on my right ring finger for fidgeting purposes. I moved it to my left ring finger today while at the gym and I think I will continue doing so. I go to the gym to maintain my figure and stare at hot men. I don't want them (or strange lady) approaching me
The power went out for a couple hours. I was going to use the situation as an excuse to text this man I've been in contact with, but luckily it kicked back on post-compostion, so the desire quickly faded with that. I know asking "so what do you like to do when the power goes out?" reeks of desperation and helplessness. I am still trying to understand why I get like that sometimes.
I organized my wardrobe and art wall (finally discarding the art of the man who recorded me without consent. Logan Thyr, your art sucks and so do you.)
Pizza Bagel shared this cute video about "Small Data". It was v relatable and funny. Now I wanna know the highest wall I can jump.
Still trying to get Paint n Play Ponies to work. Playing around with DOSBox tonight.
Also creating a new page for interesting sites I find browsing the Geocities archive. I've been throwing the up on the manifestie page, but they derseve their own spot now.
I can't wait for old books and london fogs this weekend!!
bye bye
-v
Monday January 6, 2025
I can forgive myself for not properly insulating my apartment prior to this weather, but not having that cast iron kettle I've been pining for is unforgivable.
I hope the man who I gifted my old electric kettle to is making good use of it today.
It would be nice if this weather didn't compel me so to abandon my routine. Brining my skin in a cocktail of moisturizers would be the most satisfactory way to spend today, but I need to get some work done
Two weeks ago I took my last dose of Vyvanse. I don't want to glorify the idea of being stimulant free, because the meds helped a lot. I think I got my shit figured out enough now. So thats cool. I've learned to create and maintain stillness and don't need the meds to help
I attempted to go out. cafe & gym. but ended up only grabbing my mail(letter from a friend!!) and heading back inside for a continued day of tea, weed, and intermittent yoga...oh and work too I guess?
In lieu of brining, I ran a hot shower and sat in the steam and got all moisturized.
Sans coffee is going to make today weird.
Reigniting my George Harrison flame. Pretty sure I would do Myspace coding to All Things Must Pass. Now this is pod racing.
but this was peak "Harrison fan girl era" [[notice the guitar in my profile pic lmao]]
this was like the tail end of Myspace. Wish I could find some artifacts from my early Myspace years.....
I know I have some good shit on my old macbooks. they are just so nasty to operate I've been avoiding them....but they only beome more obsolete and legacy the longer I wait...
I watched the "Blow Away" music video cause I recalled a large duck and I found many odd screen caps.
night
-e
Sunday January 5, 2025
I took an eddy last night and wrote some weird shit and fell asleep in my makeup. I feel rested tho.
It's v cold today, but I maganged to grab some groceries for lots of cooking and baking the next couple days to keep my place warm. Csirkepaprikás and and banana bread. But I forgot to pick up diced tomatoes. Will I go back out, maybe CVS has them? Or do without? I don't think I can do without...
I want to do some scanning, but want to place a small table for my printer where the monstera is, but I just watered it and can't move it until it drinks up..so that will be put off.
my collages look good on a webpage. I am so happy with how it looks! Even if it's my older work.
got the PlayStation 2 setup. listened to a couple songs on the Tony Hawk menu and now the disc reader is actin up. Looks cool tho right???
I did NOT listen to Pet Sounds today tho
I listened to all the Beatles albums. Not as exciting as I thought it would be. It's all good, what else did I expect?
-art!
-cursors
-updated my favorite files [the file tab in the navbar]
-links are looking a bit more acceptable [i know they are hard to click on 0-0]
-Guestbook!
Saturday January 4, 2025
That curry stew/roast I started last night was rockin. A bit too salty, but better than not salty enough.
cafe. spin and pilates this morning.
coffee at a friends house.
interesting conversations which at one point ended with me
having to clarify that I am,
in fact, NOT attracted to robots.
I just think big animatronic abe lincoln might be kinda cool ya know?
I am learning my coding style and I think its kinda poetic looking. I should share a screenshot....
its like I am painting words and the computer screen is a canvas. you can learn a lot about a person from their structure.
wonder what I think of mine.
I feel kinda desperate for positive feedback on all of this for some reason...but also like the idea that no one reads this.
What will people think of me when they read my code after I pass? I wonder how long this site will last.
bye bye
-eg
leaves lmao
filling the internet with my garbage while role playing information arbiter irl is true catharsis
I am spending more time on these and sometimes edit and revise them. the art is happening guys.
right ear still popping (forgot i need to mention some important stuff [also i listened to Pet Sounds again today.])
I am going to plug in the CRT and watch some vhses on the floor til I fall asleep <(^_^)>
Friday January 3, 2025
First night not bringing my phone to bed with me. It doesn't feel like an accomplishment, but I hope to keep it up.
Spent some time at Baby's working on my site and getting frustrated with work. I need to find a new job.
Finally back at the gym. Trying to go easy since I don't know the status of the aneurysm in my neck. I will find out more next week.
Pizza Bagel helped create local files of my website and mounted them (idk if I am using the jargon correctly here). So now I can push site updates!
Reminding myself its Friday, so maybe I will do something interesting.
Nearly two weeks stimmy free and time goes by so quick now.
Once I get this daily journal thing down I will begin scanning and adding my art to the site, so keep an eye out for that.
I am attempting to min/max my wardrobe. minimum clothes, maximum options. One way I am thinking I can achieve this is by incorportaing undergarments. This means I need to invest in quality pieces, which means it's time to do some r.e.s.e.a.r.c.h!!!!!
I have a nice white cotton slip that looks super mega under a mini-skirt
Popping in my right ear. Life is weird when you're livin with a bloated artery near your brain.
listened to Pet Sounds (again) today. gonna listen to every Beatles album...like the mainline ones, idk what those would be called.
I ain't trying to be one of those beatles fan...Harrison supremecy btw.
I brought out a nondiscrpt bobbin of green thread and a random needle to once again....move a button on my green plaid mini-skirt.
Wrap skirts are essential cause they are so easy to mend. I've had this skirt for years because all I need to do is move the button.
So anyways, I get this thread and needle out - set it on my desk and then decide I gotta crochet some legwarmers.
Find a pattern and grab my yarn and bring it to my desk. All of this to say,
getting tangled in yarn and thread really motivated me to take care of the first task,.....first.
So I got one piece of clothing mended and will actually wear it now....right?
I bought some cheap beef shank and decided to cook it at 8pm...so have to wait for that to finish before I can go to bed -__- hope its good.
b back tomorrow -eg
