aug log sept log music and book log reading and movies lists
Monday October 20

8:51pm
Hair fixed, book returned, tea with a friend, drinks with other friends.
Annoyed, no longer amused, by the absurd. It wears on joy.

Reconsidering the choice to end my vol-celibacy.
But, I'll just cope with listening to Swans more.
Sunday October 19

7:43pm
I should reflect as my time spent here is coming to an end. But I am eager to get it over with and move on to the next thing.
Hoping to "get it right" this time.
I will have to extend my job search to other states.
There is no one thing keeping me here, and no one thing wanting me to stay.
So is the life of a woman, born of poverty, trying to make it in life.
Time is suffocating.

Been reading San Juan de la Cruz poetry.
I keep coming back to this translation of Noche oscura.
Although it is about God, I can't keep from interpreting it as a love poem.
The last two verses really get me.

Good news! My copy of Henry and June will be returned to me tomorrow :)
Saturday October 18

10:37am
Morning posting.
Forgot if I took my meds last night, so that means I probably double dosed.
Had a minorly rough night so also took a SARI. Slept like a rock, forgot to wear earplugs.
A forgotten alarm and the cheers of the Running Festival spectators woke me early.
Groggy, but in good spirits. Good day for Harry Nilsson.

12:48pm
I feared my good fortune had run out last night.
Black nylons with my outfit was not ideal, yet I owned no other color.
Good fortune needed the night off.
But returned today in the form of nude nylons on clearance at CVS.
My outfit looks great, my legs look great.

Lady Chatterley's Lover quotes I like:
"You're spending your life without renewing it. You've got to be amused, poperly, healthily amused. You're spending your vitality without making any."
"...so far unknown to her, but now to be known." [reminds me of the poem I wrote earily this week]
"The fine flower of their intimacy was to her rather like an orchid, a bulb stuck parasitic on her tree of life, and producing, to her eyes, a rather shabby flower."
Friday October 17

8:56pm
Much early out, much early in.
For the best I suppose.
Much of my day is spent packing, and deliberating,
What "things" I want and what "things" I do not.
I want nothing. To only have the freedom to leave.
Nothing keeps me here. Nothing keeps me from there.
Time to get on the floor.

I await the return of familiar face. To relieve me from this bondage, for a moment.
To feel temporary relief is all I have. The moments.
I hate to admit, but life is suffering. I thank God in my ability to subdue the suffering for extended amounts of time.
Thursday October 16

4:51pm
Lady Chatterley's Lover quotes I like:
"The wood was her one refuge, a sanctuary."
"The bitch-goddess, Success, was trailed by thousands of gasping dogs with lolling tongues. The one that got her first was the real dog among dogs, if you go by success!"
"Beneath his pale, immobile, disillusioned face, his child's soul was sobbing with gratitude to the woman, and burning to come to her again; just as his outcast soul was knowing he would keep really clear of her."
"But then she soon learnt to hold him, to keep him there inside her when his crisis was over."
"There's a lot of good fish in the sea...maybe...but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or herring, and if you're not mackerel or herring yourself, you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea."[my current cope]
"It was fun. Instead of men kissing you, and touching you with their bodies, they revealed their minds to you. It was great fun! But what cold minds!"


10:55pm

Please with my outfit today. Wool skirt, leather jacket, leather boots. I call myself the belle of the bar.
Was introduced to the man I like to look at. He talked of Bukowskis, so I am a bit turned off.
Yes, he is also a writer. Yet I feel an air of superiority. I'd like to think he likes that I read and write at the bar.
I need a less grotesque way of saying "I don't shit where I eat."
I would be doing exactly this if I entertained my interest in this man.
Wednesday October 15

8:45pm
Out and in before 9pm.
A message waits.
Good day overall.

Started reading Lady Chatterley's Lover. It has caught my attention
Not sure if I should be reading it out in public.
Typing away on the computers feels like playing and instrument.
One day I am going to type for hours on end. Nonstop.
See what comes of that.
Will have to compile a soundtrack for such a feat.
This Merriweather Post Pavillion is hitting the spot tho.

Anyways, I have lots of Lady Chatterley's Lover quotes to share.
I just love modernists.

Tuesday October 14

3:58pm
Easy to imagine loving them, but not so easy to imagine them loving me. [this needs to be more poetic]
Here's a poem I am working on:

known of before
and when made known
i saw myself
as i saw him.

Typed it up on my phone last night in bed so it is bound to be soulless.
Also typed up a personal analysis, but maybe I'll share what it means some other time.

"--row upon row of little freaks, little inspirations, little melting dreams."
-Katherine Mansfield The Young Girl

I enjoyed the Anthony Burgess' Dick Cavett interview. He spoke about writing and creativity, saying something along the lines of:
Being a writer is wretched, and you find yourself only happy when you're making love, drinking, or writing. "These things are on the same level of pleasure and creativity."
He also called NYC gay.

Will probably watch it again tonight.

Watched it again, and I am both Anthony Burgess and Wally Cox:

"while under the influence of marijuana, Brando told him that Cox had been the love of his life."
Wally Cox and Jimmy Dean are flirting.
Monday October 13

1:02pm
Listening to Simon & Garfunkel so you know I am in a mood.
Met up with a couple of friends to see Deakin. The show was fine. The remainder of the evening was far more eventful.
Unsure what "a thing" is. Two people - "a thing"
(This experience will provide some understanding)

I am not ready for the dreary, grey weather. Stuck inside today. :(

4:58pm
Searching for a crochet hook. I've never lost something in such a way. I just cannot find it.
And now I am determined because it must be somewhere wild.
Recently knocked items off my desk and into the wastebasket, even more recently - I took out the garbage.
I am struggling to accept that I may have neglected to retrieve the hook.
I bet there's some analogy here. Like "object of my desire ends up in the trash, along with some other neutral items, due to my own actions. for some reason I rescue the undesirable objects, notice the object of desire, but resolve to come back to it later only to forget and discard it forever."



Anyways, incorporating my stretches into this search as I crawl around on the floor. Listening to Let It Be.
Had a Harry Nilsson moment earlier.

All preceeded by the entire Simon & Garfunkel catalog.
Maybe rainy days ain't that bad.

I plan to go out, but I've been smacked with anxiety.

Sometimes I look a word up in the thesaurus or dictionary, convinced "its not in there!" But I am an idiot and can't spell.
Working on improving my physical referencing skills. Gotta know how to spell.
((Took me way too long to find "struck"))

I need to find this hook.

Inviting men to my place always induces a cleaning tizzy and now I have no idea where things are.



7:22pm
Went out for one glass and read up on Catherine Beecher.
Ran into Jenny, she said I look like I would be a good mother. (people are clocking my deepest desires just by looking at me.)
Came home to watch Dick Cavett and eat sardines.
Watched the Orson Welles interview. My big boy <3
Sunday October 12

2:21pm
I've been bemoaning my lack of positive posting lately, but it seems I've run into a bounty of good karma.
It began with an date invitation (Although I will refuse to believe it until it happens. No set plans yet.)
I was told I have a nice back :)
Found the lambskin jacket and silk dress at the thrift.
Then I found the wool skirt. I was obliged to pay the $90 on the tag, but it rang up for only $50.
I also picked up a scarf, with no tag, that the cashier rang up for $2.99.
Was told I look like fashion model by a stranger :)


My most recent run-in with this resiliant good fortune is the signed copy of an Isaac Asimov book I picked up at the free book giveaway.
I also picked up a 1915 copy of Of Human Bondage and Scum Manifesto. Here's the rest:




“we find ourselves in a good, small cycle within the larger bad cycle”
-Ignatius J. Reilly




Some crazy graffiti outside the bar.
Saturday October 11

10:48am
Morning posting because I need to riff on the discomfort of registering for a site with the .datacandyinfo domain.
I try to avoid registering for/with/to/at whatever, because I want to protect my data.
My data is so compromised at this point tho.
Anyways I frequent the thrift store often enough that I should take advantage of these "points."


I went shopping with a friend yesterday and picked up a really beautiful 100% wool skirt. <3
Some of my clothes fit better, others worse recently. Learning what cuts and fabrics compliment me.
Thursday October 9

1:45pm
Rare afternoon posting because I am procrastinating grocery shopping.
Wednesday October 8

10:07pm
Finished Of Human Bondage. Favorite book I have read this year.
I am sad to have to put it down.
Maybe I will go for the Thomas Mann next.

A distant friend reached out today.
I picked up silk and lambskin leather at the thrift store today.

It was the first true day of fall. I was cold.
I like being out in the wind, nature's little embrace.


I want to make a list of all the art references in Of Human Bondage
Currently on my list:
  • Manet's Olympia
  • Rodin's L'Age d'airain
  • San Juan de la Cruz's Noche oscura [love love love this]
  • Inigo Jones
  • El Grecco



    • I have my final Of Human Bondage annotations to record, maybe not tonight tho.

    The classical music station played on the radio alarm clock when I slept as a child.

    Even in leisure there is torture.
    Some days I feel so viewed upon. Others I am invisible.
    Tuesday October 6

    2:12pm
    Mid-80s industrial is sex noises and Charlie Manson monolouges sampled over an 80's poppy synth beat.

    Decided to start annotating Of Human Bondage in the last two hundred pages. So I better record them here lest something would happen to my copy. I start annotating on page 447.
    "...impatient with life because he found himself unable to say the things which the obscure impulses of his heart suggested."
    "She was overdressed, but not badly dressed,..."
    "Miss Bennet liked dancing and poetry better than anything in the world. She danced well, but very, very slowly, and an expression came into her eyes as though her thoughts were far, far away. She talked breathlessly of the floor and the heat and the supper."
    "If he had no hope he would have no fear."
    "...he was born, he suffered, and he died"
    "As the weaver elaborated his pattern for no end but the pleasure of his aesthetic sense, so might a man live his life, or if one was forced to believe that his actions were outside his choosing, so might a man look at his life, that it made a pattern."

    Link to my Personal radio on yt music.
    It works for now as a means to share what I am up to. If you care.
    I got a lil' freaked over about the amount of views my page has been getting.
    Went down an Internetworking rabbithole. I don't understand it enough to provide a clear explanation as to why its happening.
    So I will just accept it, and keep doing what I am doing because I enjoy it.

    Looks as though I've had a functioning iPod Touch with me this whole time. I will need to get some wired headphones.
    This will motivate me recreate my digital music library from scratch.
    Sad that I still cannot access my old MacBook. I really want that music.
    I would only have to fill in some gaps.


    Anyways, maybe allowing strangers a peek into my listening habits will motivate me to remove myself from the site.
    I have such an adversion to the prying eyes of internet strangers. I have a nearly zero social media presences. IG and FB are all empty. Apparently I have a snapchat, need to tackle that one next.
    I feel such disgust towards exposing any part of me on the Internet.
    Yet I do shit like this.
    Stalk my yt music channel to freak me out and get me off it.
    Thank you.

    I already want to get off yt music seeing Arctic Monkeys on that playlist x_x. idk maybe they aren't bad. I've never listened.

    Would I consider my Internet behaviors risky?
    I would like be less personal in my writing.
    Tell more about myself through vauge stories.


    Unanswered questions poses uncertainty.
    And that uncertainity bears false conclusions.


    I cried for myself today.
    My God, how things have been difficult.
    But I can only articulate these tragedies in my mind.
    Got learn how to move people to tears, so they can also cry for me.


    I think Tripper by Hella is the smoothest sound album, but I can only listen to like two songs at a time lol.
    I should start revisiting albums I should've liked, but didn't at the time.
    Monday October 6

    5:37pm
    Practicing
    -controlled descent to and ascent from the sitting position
    -controlled breathing when walking
    The last hundred pages of Of Human Bondage have been amusing. When Phillip was described as an "inmate" I had to reread the chapter.
    Wasn't expecting it to get this bad for him, but he always catches a break. At least, he has always up to this point.
    I am a bit nervous for him. Makes me sad because I find him to be such a charming and relatable character.
    I am not sure if this is the author's intent, but I learned that the novel may be autobiographical. Maugham stated ""This is a novel, not an autobiography; though much in it is autobiographical, more is pure invention."


    11:31pm
    I found myself engaged in fits of laughter tonight. I noticed the wires on the ceiling.
    It was a night of tension. Either physically from laughing or emotionally, from...something else.
    I've been deprived of rest for at least 3 nights. Tonight may be the fourth.
    I really didn't intend to drink, and I didn't drink much, but I also forgot to eat today.
    I didn't even intend to go out.
    But I am glad I did.
    I may lose another night's sleep, but at what cost?
    To amuse with the story of how I was slow flowing to Debussy, but the police copters outside killed the vibe.

    Sometimes I recite the stories I have written here. I wonder who read them here first.

    Well, obviously no one now since I have hidden my log.
    Maybe I will bring it back.

    I really enjoy sleeping on the floor.
    I awoke at 1am, and could not fall back asleep.
    A bug flew by my head, i found a dead roach behind my dresser.
    Kinda makes sleeping on the floor a little less enjoyable.
    Sunday October 5

    8:16pm
    Esoteric pop culture.
    I am watching 2001 for the second time. Maybe I will get through it.
    I do love a good ambient movie, like Aguirre.
    Stanley Kubrick rocks

    I've hidden my log out of shame. So if you're reading this: congrats.
    I am finding the primary source of my soul, thru art.

    I'm gonna be a space-cel after watching this.

    This is just a music video for classical music.
    Saturday October 4

    1:39PM
    The man yelling "Chayanne, Chayanne!" in the park was at my stoop when I returned home.
    I spoke to some slick church ladies in the park. Think they got me asking "Have you ever thought about where your soul will spend eternity?"
    And, like, "Yes, I have."
    God's handling that for me.
    But I gotta figure out where my soul is presently. Where's it at? Okay and now that I have it, where do I put it?
    So I think I exercised my mind enough for today. Might exercise my body a little more, after researching the Alexander Technique.
    Gonna to start sitting like a weirdo.

    It is much warmer today, to the dismay of my cute outfit. I will have to change into something cooler.
    A man was playing Ignition(Remix) on his loudspeakers in the park.
    I read a funny chapter in Of Human Bondage (ch. LXXXIV [84]) - quite the citation there.
    Consign standards to oblivion! (I used the thesaurus to make this dumb sentence) I'm making my own now.
    Once Sonny stops cleaning, I'll peel myself away from this screen.

    It there a Catholic "Fourth Way"? - might be on to something here.
    I just have to invent some "quirky" Catholicism. "Catholicism 4 Girls"
    Will definitely include calisthenics, since a woman founded that. Harriet Beecher Stowe's sister at that.
    And Kate Bush.

    I went down a Catharine Esther Beecher rabbithole.
    I came across this. Even tho the prefered citation is garbage (I want to cite the metadata record, not the physical item)
    Anyways, I wish patrons could request make digitization requests. (Becuase the UI of this repository is trash [I see the "Printable (PDF) Version" and I get excited, but of course its empty. Shouldn't be an option then >:| ])
    The Internet is trash, including whatever I am doing here.

    Driving to a bar with a bunch of drinkers. I won't drink, but I also don't want to worry about being a nervous Nellie.
    Guess I should get on the floor.

    I need to keep my mouth shut.
    Friday October 3

    11:58am
    Rare morning posting.
    Went crazy and got a flavored drip coffee with cream. Then I dropped it before I even got to take a sip.
    It smelled good on my hands I guess. It pairs nicely with the fragrance I chose today - Indult's Tihota.
    I smell very seasonal.


    Rare image posting.

    Comparing my October 2023 outfit (left) with my October 2025 outfit (right). 2023 is so bad lol. I've toned it down a lot.
    Getting that good posture. Bodycheck moment

    I think every character in Of Human Bondage is an incel.
    'I don't like good-looking men,' said Mildred. 'They're too conceited for me.'
    Everyone is flawed and I love it. Mildred is a floozy. I am team Norah, my lovergirl.

    Spending way too much time trying to get the bottom border of my posts to be an image ;_;
    Want to adjust the links in the header too

    I should seperate my "writing" from my logs.

    So relieved I didn't drink last night. I was chatting with this unsightly and loud man. He extended an offer to buy me a drink, twice. So glad I didn't feel any obligation to entertain him. He thinks I am 26, which is all the more disgusting because he is like 50.
    Now I would be so obliged to entertain a more normal and age appropriate man for a drink I suppose.

    I think I will buy my own drink to enjoy in the park this evening.

    8:23PM
    Rare early evening posting
    Had a drink and a smoke and a read and some crackers at the park. Took a walk down Calvert on the opposite side to view the gardens.
    Ususally I walk up Calvert on the Westside sidewalk.
    Ran into a friend on his way to the bar.
    Walked around a bit longer (Walking up Calvert on the Westside is better than walking down on the Eastside)
    Was feeling silly in my yoga pants and XXL sweater, so like why not grab a drink at the bar? Just one tonight :) and I did some reading.
    And then I ate ice cream.
    And now what???

    I stg I am a writer.
    Thursday October 2

    3:10pm
    Of Human Bondage (p.332)-
    "Why, merely the futility of regret. It's no good crying over spilt milk, because all the forces of the universe were bent on spilling it."

    10:53pm
    Charmed by my character tonight. An unaffected temperment, confident in my perceptions.

    Started spellchecking my July '25 log. Next is to update the code so it's formated correctly. Might be another couple months.
    I've been rereading old posts now when I am out, something to do.

    omg Cabaret Voltaire is playing a reunion show on my bday this year >@_@<

    How I write

    I lent a man my personally annotated copy of Herny and June, and then he ghosted me. If I ever see him I'm making him ride his shitty roadbike back to his place to get it while I wait.
    No more lending out your annotated copies. That book probably had my earliest annotations. Read it a decade ago. Wonder how my thoughts have evolved.

    Cold today, I'm shivering!

    tbh I am glad I did what I did, now I can stop. I do need just some commitment breadcrumbs. You buy me a drink or like, light my cigarette - I'll consider kissing you. But I ain't going all the way anymore.

    I didn't make it onto the floor today, and now my back hurts ;_;
    Wednesday October 1

    10:28pm
    And she yearns. What else is new?

    Met a friend this afternoon. Good to forget and to know that there are those who are enthusiastic about the uncertainty of my life.
    As I am told, by what could be described as a stranger, that my life is influx. As a means to deny.
    But I cannot be upset, as I have been given a chance to yearn. And here I am, writing. The great motivator. Yearning.
    I will figure my shit out so no man may say my life is "influx."
    I was naive to believe that love could surpass my shortcomings.
    And perhaps it will. Hope not lost.
    Philip Carey-maxing

    A taste of beauty is enough. No need to induldge.

    Read through September and August logs. Am pleased with my writing.
    I should do more with my writing, but do I care to?
    What difference would it make to have my thoughts public?

    "See what you [every man I've loved in this city]'re doing to me [I have a thigh gap]"
    *Personal annotations of quotes from Kate Bush's "Fee It" off of the album "The Kick Inside"[a banger, been dancing to it all night(peak yearinng, to be moved)]

    Yearning so much that I fear the thing I yearn for, so I may yearn more.

    I want mutual yearning. My God, can you imagine guilt free staring across the bar at each other???
    I am doing this next time.

    I will wait til he wants to be mine.
    And that day may never arrive, but I would want to know when it does. Then I will move on.