3:23pmm

An old friend remebered my old tumblr account" Bless his fanstastic memory.

Last post was nearly a decade ago. 22 years old. Reading :: The Brothers

Listening :: Clams Casino - Rainfores

6:38pm

Working on this site all day. Left the house for a second. Don't think I will go back out again.

Looking into implementing some JS. I think it could help with time and dates. Not sure how tho. Just a thought.

Added a Reading :: Nothing today :(

Listening :: Think Tone by Baby Birds Don't Drink Milk

12:29pm

Oops it has been two weeks. Been reading a lot and fucking up at work.

I am tired of working. I don't want money. I want simple living.
Just need to make it one more year here.

I should find a less stressful job.
I think Trailer Park Boys has had an outright influence on current fashion trends
Maybe I really ain't cut out for city life

10:36 pm

my skin and hair is far too flawed to ever think I deserve love

I went to yoga and read two chapters of the Brothers today.
3 am approached sooner than sleep last night. Today I awoke at 11am. A waste of a day. I need the rest.
I cannot balance the drive to create with the requirements to attain money.
I need to return home, care for my family, and hope, if the "best scenario" exsists, to love and have my own family.
Love not find me here or at home. Wherever love may be, I will not find.

Fulfillment, as a person of my lineage, is found in the family.

There is a man at the bar, who also works at the bar, (the layers) who has piqued my interest.
Emboldened that I may leave here in one year's time. Perhaps I may, with my lacerated skin and coarse hair, find love, if only momentarily. If only for one night. Please if only for a few hours.

I need to get home to my mother and take care of her. Can I last another year?

To think, not so long ago, in a moment of distress, which is a moment often: I confided in a dear friend "Moving back to Kent is not an option."
Yet I have been mollified. I will move back to Kent. If it will afford me more time to sit in the grass and read. Solace is found in the unknown. To know that you, the reader, only know what I share here. My mind filtered.
Walls erode with each URL delivery.

I reread this post and smiled. Goodnight.

11:26pm

Read it again and smiled

Reading :: The Brothers Karamazov (read 4 chaps on the tredmill yesterday)

Listening :: Nothing in particular. Picked up Nimrod and Thick as a Brick at the thrift last week.

5:13pm

Microdosed and had a lovely Sunday.

Reading :: The Brothers Karamazov
Listening :: Robert Wyatt - Rock Bottom , thunder

12:33pm

I need distractions, but hate the possibilities.
I spend so much time, not soothing, but distracting from the pain. It is not an enjoyment, but necessary to live.
Hopes to be distracted long enough to persue enjoyment.

"Or maybe," I always think, "all these people, feel the same"
So why is it so hard for me? What am I missing?????

Health anxiety is maxed out today. One spot, in particular, on my spine is causing a lot of discomfort.
(I believe this the area of that abnormality that appeared on my last MRI [[this UNCONFIRMED, afraid to do any further reserach myself. I need to wait til December]])

Reading :: To the Lighthouse
Listening :: Pink Floyd - The Piper at the Gates of Dawn [[thinking about that "Take Up Thy Stethoscope and Walk" lyric I had on my MySpace page....]]

5:34pm

"The only way to stay out of trouble is to get old."

Reading :: Wurthering Heights [[finished]]
Listening :: of Montreal, Panda Bear

8:00pm

Watching a current movie when all I want to watch is Citizen Kane.

Praise the Lord its a foreign film and I am not in the mood for subtitles.

Citizen Kane time. "Kane's world is history"

Reading :: stuff about intergrated library systems
Listening :: shit from 2007

12:29pm

Moby and microdose pyschadelics.
Post stimulant microdose, pilates, and running.

4:53pm

Gotta start voicing my opinion and end one with "you can like and suscribe or keep scrolling"

Reading :: Wurthering Heights
Listening :: Beach Boys - Surf's Up :: Tim Hecker - Ravendeath, 1972

2:17pm

I read a quote expressing life is different before and after hearing Pet Sounds.

9:43pm

Like sparrows in the dust.
When did the rain begin?

Reading :: The Priest of Shiga Temple and His Love ::
Listening :: Moby - Play :: Running playlist [wip]

2:17pm

The pleasure of coming home only to realize I forgot to turn off the AC is far greater than the money saved doing the oppopsite.

Started writing my work self-evaluation. Might even become good enough to share here.

I'd like to use my new cardio/yoga routine to listen to full albums. One running album, one yoga album. Been pleased with "The Downward Spiral" for running. Tried "Pet Sounds" for yoga -- not sure on this, but I like that its whistle-able.
Once I select appropriate albums (as I have with TDS) I would like to rearrange it to suit the workout. For example, "Piggy" would be a good warm up track. "Ruiner" for cool down.


Anyways, I watched Hiroshima Mon Amor last night. Beautiful movie. Eager to listen to Professor Dreyfus' lecture on it.

Learning ignites desire to subjugate. Someone will read me, even if its thru a self-evaluation.

7:17pm

I believe my skin is perfectly sunkissed. Did not wait nearly as long as I assumed. Keep this in mind next March, when you are lamenting your pallor.

12:16am

"Erratic" to be described as by a man, who I have spoken with - at length- no more than twice, has infected my mind.
A first in adjectives bestowed upon me by a man.

I asked "do you mean 'mysterious'"?(an adjective I am most familiar with)

"No, erratic" he said. And created a sweeping gesture at me, to signify my current state as jsutification (three martinis deep, wearing a too revealing of a top [what I would derive as my most erratic traits of the night])

Lest we forget, his past fortune with women, which I would describe it as "undesirable."
Even so, lest we forget that I have only spoken to this man, perhaps twice?

I cannot believe that our descriptions of each other are accurate.
To be able to have such a definite description of me is...concerning.


Reading : Fear and Trembling - Problema I
Listening : Beach Boys - Surf's Up

Worked from home. Laundry. Went to the park.

The CDs that once belonged to my mom are very sentimental. I don't believe my copy of "God Shuffled His Feet" was ever in her possesion, although it has been persistent my entire life. I must have found my copy at the thrift store.
I have her copy of "Red Rose Speedway". Its some European pressing which I think is neat. Knowing this, "Red Rose Speedway" has more weight than "God Shuffled His Feet", the skipping and scratches give more character.

All that to say, I was REAL disappointed to find two copies of Fall Out Boy's first album [so ticked idec to remember the name] in the "Flaming Pie" case. No idea where the "Flaming Pie" CD is.
Unfortunate because it was mom's. It has remaind in my collection even through middle and high school. McCartney lifer I suppose. I haven't listened to the album since high school --- dreams of walking down the aisle to Calico Skies, even more demented to learn to play myself---

I want to see if it holds up now. I will have to track down a new copy.

I don't want to become complacent and solely rely on streaming services for music. Streaming is when you wanna listen to Neil Young or Henry Mancini.


Gotta get the CD if you wanna listen to music the way God intended.


A man notified me that it was clear to cross the street, even on a hand. I thanked him. I wondered "Would his motive bestow validation?" Probably better not to think about. [[He wasn't even cute]]

Comforts are a prison.
No matter how, it is important to capture thoughts

Cover songs by Nine Inch Nails are very funny.

Reading : Wurthering Heights, The Priest of Shiga Temple and His Love, Cornell Data Services
Listening : Steely Dan comp, You've Come a Long Way Baby[album]

Went into the office.

Finished "Preamble from Heart" in Fear and Trembling. Listened to the three cooresponding UCB lectures.
Finding a lot of value in this independent studying. How should I refrain from regret when life once lacked such simple pleasures?
I am feeling...fufilled. The lack of love becomes...sentimental. A retreat. An enduring hope. I've been doing well -- smothering my hopped-up impulses.
Adoration over seizure of passing opportunities.

Reading : Fear and Trembling - book by Søren Kierkegaard
Listening : Henry Mancini

Went into the office.

Reading:Fear and Trembling - book by Søren Kierkegaard
Listening:America - 1971 self-titled debut studio album by America
Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere - 1969 studio album by Neil Young with Crazy Horse

Watched a man with an umbrealla seperate fighting dogs.
All I could do was watch. No different than the time I watched a car strike a man.

A body as is the mind.

Mind and body must coordinate, but I am tired and hungry.