Monday November 10
5:03pm
The days end sooner, but today cannot end soon enough. One night of drinking extends into two days of loathing.
I am ready to quit for good.
Break every link with air and mist,
Seal every open vent;
Make throat as tight as miser's fist,
Keep life within you pent.
Breathe out, breathe in, no more, no more,
For breathing's for the meek;
And when in deathly space we soar,
Be careful not to speak.
If you with grief or joy are rapt,
Just signal with a tear;
To soul and heart within you trapped
Add speech and atmosphere.
Every man's an island as in
lifeless space we roam.
Yes, every man's an island:
island fortress, island home.
-
Siren's of Titan
Sunday November 9
9:28am
Very early morning posting. Had a fine night. Ditched my friends to hang out with the handsome Syrian guy, but he complained to much and called me a communist.
He's not wrong. I think my feminist Marx quote recital gave him the ick. I should have whipped out the SCUM Manifesto.
I went to the thrift store to buy some new dishes. I also got a cute bag and scarf. I also had my usual large purse with me.
I shoved everything into the new bag and stopped at the bar on my way home. I looked ridiculous. I like my bags large and full of weird stuff.
Going to DC with a friend tonight for a show. I need to get my slip back from that guy.
I started reading The Counterfeiters by Andre Gide yesterday. I needed a break from Lady Chatterley's Lover. All the romance and pregnancy stuff was affecting me.
2:56pm
I feel like a fool. I am embarassed. I feel violated.
Saturday November 8
11:25pm
A satisfying slow flow listening to T.Rex's first album. This is a happy album. I listened to it alot
when I was travelling earlier this year. Princeton, NYC. It holds fond memories. I was very accomplished this week, which makes me happy. So I should commemorate it with some happy music.
I opened a text document and brought my keyboard closer to me so I may stretch and write at the same time.
I wonder what else I listened to when I was going through that T.Rex phase. More happy music! This album is too short.
I just want to bend myself in half, backwards. That will relieve me of all the pain.
It has been a lot less severe lately. Should add that to my "recognitions” page.
I can’t see what I am typing. You can't tell because I edited this before posting. But I saved all the original drafts, maybe I will share them.=`<_____(stepped on the key board.)
I want to practice my breathing more, but I always feel like I sound too loud. Just need to embrace the "girl who breathes deeply" descriptor
I'm strangely afraid of the kitchen here. I hate going to the kitchen. Not helping with my ED.
Oh Roxy Music! That's what I was listening to a lot around the same time as T.Rex
I cannot be amused by men who are "funny." My mom married my father because he is "funny"-= mn >](landed a hand on the keyboard during a backbend)
Friday November 7
3:29pm
Spent far too long designing
the site landing page and made a
silly gratitudes page (very WIP).
I've been writing gratitudes every morning this week and want to share.
You can also navigate to my YouTube Music channel and Internet Archive reading list from the homepage now.
I am happy with how it looks.
5:46pm
Thought about sunsetting the music and book log, but I cannot forget why I started it in the first place.
I just want some of my own data about me. Is that kinda vain?
Data to back my being.
"Well of course I was going thru a rough time that month -- look at how many times I listened to
The Kick Inside."
Irrefutable evidence that supports my being.
Being home before sundown kinda rocks.
Not sure why my homepage is not displaying any CSS on mobile.
Fiddling with the site too much. Its ugly, but I think I am on to something I like.
Got some good stretches in.
Wrote something in my big notebook worthy of digital documentation:
[edit 11/08: fell asleep before typing up what I wrote. Not sure if I still will now.]
Thursday November 6
4:33pm
As promised, to myself (don't think I ever articulated this), the days of flagrant hedonism are numbered. Barfly status revoked.
Smoking detering meds start tomorrow.
I allowed myself to go wild to "celebrate" the end of the past two years.
Now I'm new shit.
Fell back into a routine so easily.
Reading, writing, and making a lot of art. It feels really good.
Here's a notebook I made real quick. The cover was getting really gross so I had to do something:
I am working on something more intricate now. Collaging is very soothing.
From the tiny intricate cuts to positioning each object just right.
I love focusing on insignificant things.
FYI all images in the log break once the month is over. So save them while you can.
My appetite is out of control. Probably rebounding.
But there's still that nagging desire to stay thin.
went to the doctor today and didn't think much of my weight when I saw it on th scale, but I am now sub-25 BMI which is great!...and triggering lol.
Wednesday November 5
12:43pm
SCUM Manifesto quotes that speak to me
"...deep-seated individuality, which stems from what intrigues you, what is outside yourself absorbs you, what you're in relation to."
"...the female function is to explore, discover, invent, solve problems, crack jokes, make music - all with love. In other words, create a magic world."
"There's no reason why a society consisting of rational beings capable of empathising with each other, complete and having no natural reason to compete, should have a government, laws or leaders."
"(the ultimate male insight is that life is absurd.)"
"Appreciating is the sole diversion of the 'cultivated'; passive and incompetent, lacking imagination and wit,...accept what's given; unable to create or relate, they spectate."
"...when the female transcends her body, rises above animalism, the male, whose ego consists of his cock, will disappear."
Tuesday November 4
1:40pm
We are back, and certainly better than before.
Added a
reading list to my IA account if you wanna see what weird stuff I am reading on my computer.
Stability denies life's finer pleasures.
