1:14pm

Browsing GifCities confirms that most things are forever on the Web. Some of these gifs are photos of real people. I enjoy surfing the old Web via the Wayback Machine. I even pick up cool gifs along the way. Always making sure to check out the source site. Plan on creating a new page for the cool sites I find. I am not daring enough to click on the horny gifs to see what that side of the old web is like. Upon visiting one site, I was gifted two strange video files straight into my downloads folder. Thanks.

Curiosity got me. anti-barbacking site (warning: kinda graphic)

11:23am

Okay Got 5 new, unedited logs for you. And a new look. I am now "learning" HTML. Rewriting code to remove the spaghetti. Eatin' all the spaghetti in my code.

There been a lot of noticing of horses around here. Secret Rendezvous, a bag I want from a store called "The Horse." This towel that has horses and says "The Horse" at the bottom.

I opened my inbox and was startled to find an email from "The Horse." It was marketing email from the aformentioned fashion brand.

I'd like to have another stint with a dolphin fascination. This heightened horse moment has been full of new discoveries. Like those Lipizzaner Stallions that brought me to tears. So corny, but they are so magnificent, and I'm a sentimental gal.

I am embarassed of my poor spelling skills. This hodge-podge keyboard I frankensteined isn't helping. But I'd rather study than deal with that right now.

Other life updates: 3 weeks cig free this upcoming Sunday. Can't remember the last time I drank. I think it started on my Ohio trip.

11:23am

I worte the incorrect date on all my medical forms today. Hell of a psych appointment.

The jury (me) has reached a verdict in the "Big Bag, Bad Bag?" case. And we hate the Big Bag. The smoking gun was the final piece of evidence. It's a black hole and this act of rumagging feels performative. Yes, it is extremely embarssing. So why not make it apart of me? It's better not to fight it. Unfortunately, this is not the bit for me. I find it too frustrating for myself. This is a simple frutration to fix. And I will, eventually. So add this to the list:

• "Evaluate bags and note thier organizational abilities."
• "Asseses wants and needs of items in bag. Make it easier to swap bags."

Herzog's Nosferatu Soundtrack on repeat. Next Halloween I am going to watch every rendition, or just start tonight. I'll write it on a post-it. I haven't completely consumed any TV or movies in some time. Thinking of the last movie I watched, I think that Sissy Spacek and Martin Sheen flick. Badlands! I liked that one. And before that..one with the guy who plays Hawkeye in M*A*S*H. Donald Sutherland. The kinda guy with a separate Wikipedia record for his filmography. It was "Don't Look Now." I really don't remember it. I should also watch Altman's M*A*S*H. I loved Spacek and Duvall in 3 Women. What's the name of that hard to find Altman flick... Theives Like Us. I need to watch it. Shelley is in it.

I am sunsetting the AFI 100 Greatest Movies project. I prefer serendipity. Discovering films during my pesuits.

I tend to assume all lists are heirarchical. I hope I am wrong to assume in this case. A librarian position - the first responsibility listed, in multiple locations - "sort and distribute mail" - seems strange.

Even in captivity they are free. The Enya isn't making this any less emotional

Listening to Popol Vuh and crocheting snowflakes.

Checked-out a few books on HTML and CSS from the library. After a year of winging it on the back of prior knowledge from the MySpace days, I'm either comfortable enough to learn, or fed up enough with how lousey this site is. Either or, I've found something new to learn that is practical. Opposed to all the studying I've done on calthestenics, yet couldn't name one exercise. It's usually all theory for me.

Atleast I can say I am working on a few writing projects. No titles yet, but content includes my morning routine, Thanksgiving memories, and a scathing review of a friend's art. I'll keep the review to myself unless someone inquires my opinion on the piece. It's mostly an exercise in making respectful and intelligent arguments. Knowing that anyone can hate you at anytime, nevermind what it is, they will still call you a bitch. I'm down to accept my strong personality as part of me now. Kinda tired of fighting it.

I hope to publish(?) the other two here. Probably let other people read them. Unlike this website, which only a few haphazardly selected people have the address.

I need to get back to writing about Thanksgiving.

My other projects: crochet snowflakes, learn to draw horses, oil pastels, studying HTML & CSS, writing letters, baking, reading.

Still not feeling well. Dizzy, nauseous, head pressure, vision disturbances, body temp oscilating. I'm apprehensive to stand up. Spent too much time trying to download my browsing history. Google Takeout was not the solution. I will have to continue transfering this data by hand. From one device to another. If things don't improve within the next couple days, you should see a doctor. Although, being admitted, once again, terrifies you. The ER is hell.

My writing sounds much better in second person. I've only realized this after reading the work of a friend. He used second person to retell his life stories. I hate the words "I, me, mine, my" etc. Nearly everything I have written is in first person, and it's kinda cringe. You could say his writing inspired me to try something different. I ended up really liking it. Would an abrupt change in perspective be strange this late in the game? Guess its some sort of sunk cost fallacy or whatever. I think the solution is to keep rambling and streaming my conciousness here, and post the more interesting stuff on another page. I think I might start by describing my morning shower routine. Maybe my research into the Dubs Guy/"Check 'Em" meme has permeated my subconcious. Or maybe because I never really had a well-defined morning routine. Now that I do, I find it interesting. Provide unncessecary, but interesting, info about me.

2:24pm

Feeling off today, at least physically. Shakey, dizzy, ringing, vision disturbances.Unfortunate, because its unseasonablely warm today. Its been some time since I went on a walk. But I need to rest now. Maybe finish Secret Rendezvous.

Eating baby carrots. Finding the good in the garbage. I wish I had more female friendships growing up. I've got a few now, and hearing the crazy shit they do, makes me feel more normal. I hope I can impart some wisdom. It's so performative when a woman frequently verbalizes her dissatisfaction with men, but continues to pander for male validation. Showing some love to these women, as a woman, will develop their ability to see through bullshit. And understand that the people who genuinely love you, would never treat you like this man does. Time to stop showing up to his work unannounced. I empathize with you, but why are you doing this? I was down bad when my last situationship ended. Although I believe I acted crazy, I also agree this woman acted crazier than me.Good for me I guess.

I've been reflecting on my relationship with my computer. She's my girl, but I don't do a damn thing to make her life easier. I enabled File History, whatever that is. I think it will backup all my files...somewhere. Six years of data here. Some good stuff. I need to clear up some space.

Maybe I do say "fuck it" and style a slip to be Christmas party appropriate. Or pray the red embroidered floor length 90s gown fits and be overdressed. I do appriciate a well-styled slip. I maintian decorum by wearing my skimpiest, without sacrificing decency, base layer with lots and lots of layers overtop. I like peeling off layers only to reapply them moments later. I like when my movements make me standout. Don't need to say a word. You may yearn, but do it over there and don't talk to me. Just observe for a bit before diving in. You're exhausting. Thank you.

unknown

Started crochet snowflakes. My abilites have gone to seed, I struggle to recreate familiar patterns. But Nicole said even the simple patterns could fool a layman. Made about half a dozen of the same pattern in different colorways. The"Snowflake Recipients" list grows every year. Need to make at least 18 this year. Halfway there.

Listen to the Toonami soundtrack(?). I was never a fan of Toonami, so I have no idea how it relates to the songs. Recently, it has been my stretching soundtrack.

Maybe I will start releasing entries in batches. The last thing I want to do after writing is update the site. Although, it is much easier now. We'll see. My disjointed, long-winded, screeds are becoming annoying. A long way to go to create a respectable website...if ever. I like it kinda trashy. In the meantime, I should create a collection of images of my crochet pieces.

I should continue computer-journaling, but refrain from posting every little thing. Be more prudent about what should and shouldn't be shared. Also edit more.

Well anyways, the plan was to muse on relationships while stretching, but I am kinda over it now.

2:06pm

Wasn't up to writing yesterday. Again, assumed I could hold on to my thoughts until motivation struck. And again, I do not remember what great thing I wanted to write. What is the motivator today? Nothing I guess. Just picked up the keyboard and went for it. Retelling my day so far seems tiresome. My days are interesting, to me, but not enough to entertain. I should start writing in third person. (But not now)

Updated the IA reading list. Added some lit that was living on my phone, so I can clear out some tabs. I think I will reorganize and tidy up my files.

I recall what I wanted to mention. I'm enjoying Secret Rendezvous. A very strange book so far. Giving those House of Leaves vibes. I don't regret ceasing all other reading so I may send it back sooner than later

11:56am

Back home from the farm. It was a very lovely trip. The first time I didn't want to leave by the end of the stay. I will be back in a months time. I can stay longer then if I want. Could've stayed longer this time, but I only brought enough medication for the week. The drive there was beautiful. Snow veiled hillsides. When the clouds part, the sun sneaks through and casts a spotlight on the treetops below. A single spot of illumination roams the mountian side. I have never seen anything like it.

Two hours in and the drive becomes painful. Severe back pain that causes the right arm to numb. I don't want to discuss my sad medical issues. It was a short trip. Maybe 6 days isn't so short a length of stay, but it certainly felt short. That's what matters, right? Time certianly marches on, but perception dictates how it feels. (I can't stop saying "time marches on." I always experience a moment of internal elation, remembering its a lyric from the Spawn soundtrack.)

It was a notable visit. I didn't do any writing, which means I will forget this time. I write to commit to memory. Here we go:

• Tuesday: Got into town around 4pm. A friend picked me up from rental car drop-off. We went to the grocery store and grabbed a bite to eat.
• Wednesday: I was able to stick to my routine. Waking up between 5:30am and 7am. I can't remember what I did during the day. In the evening, an old friend joined me at the artsy movie theater to watch Bugonia. It was very entertaining. The characters have a spaghetti dinner in one scene. This aroused in me, a hunger for spaghetti. So we went to a local Italian spot after. His lack of coyness irritated me. I refused to go back to his place multiple times. Maybe, he will get the hit next time.
• Thursday: The birthday of the friend I was staying with. I baked an orange olive oil cake. I adapted the recipe so I could use the items I bought intending to make a spiced persimmon cake, only to realize they need about a week or so to fully ripen. The cake turned out wonderful! I missed baking. We went to a plant shop and he got a couple really nice philodendrons.
• Friday: Uneventful for the most part. Mom came by with her dog and took a short walk through the neighborhood. Notwithstanding my present situation, I adore reciting my graditudes and charming others with my sunny disposition. I've never felt this not depressed before...
• Saturday: Met with family for breakfast. I loath my father. Had some time to kill between that and meeting a friend. The lack of coffee shops was a bit offputting, but I found one eventually. A coffee shop, music venue, bookstore. I drank my flat white and read The Counterfeiters, until a group began to play music. Wasn't my interest, so I popped into the bookstore. Secret Rendezous by Kobo Abe captured me. Looking for a price, I only saw "Priceless" and "$14.99."(far too expensive for a tattered used book) I brought the book to the register and inquired about the price. The woman calls over the owner. It seems this book was part of his personal collection (then why have it out on the shelves???) He asked me how much I thought it was worth -- $7. His counteroffer -- $10. I was ready to walk away, when he asked where I was from. I told him. He takes a giant rubber stamp and imprints the name of the store on the title page. "You make sure to tell them about us in [city where I live]." He hands me the book and asks me to send it back by Valentine's Day. An interesting interaction. I began reading the book today, so I may send it back sooner. I think I want to include a nice letter and a copy of a book from my collection. Probably Winesburg, Ohio. After all that, I headed over to my friend's place. We went for a hike, admired the home renovations, and chatted the rest of the night. I got home around 10pm...late night!
• Sunday: Had bagels with the host friend and prepared to head out.

I watched a lava lamp evey night in bed. It was lovely. Looking forward to my next trip to the farm.

Really need to tweak my website design. Not too concerned about how it looks on mobile. Grant me dignity, have some respect, only view my webpage on desktop. Thank you. I got the Spawn The Album playing so I am ready to lock into my neuroticism. Hell yeah. I should really fix the file transfer thing between VS Code and Neocities. idek what its called. Maybe I should make a plan before throwing more garbage into this code. I do like spaghetti. The spaghettiest webpage.

Here's some spaghetti gifs as restitution for reading this far:

All gifs are linked to webpage of origin. Click 'em

Spending so much time trying to fix the CSS on the October log. idk why the August and September are good, but not October. lmao just figured it out. didn't have the correct path to the CSS file. To future me: when updating website, update all pages. Don't put it off. Added a cute unicorn gif to my homepage. If you click it, you can send me an email :) No idea who visits my site, or the frequency. I had a direct line of communication in the early days. Revoked it because I wanted to remain more anonymous, but would prefer to risk it for the very slim chance of someone reaching out. I'm not lonely, I desire opportunities.

Went for a walk. Ready to start "working" again. I turned on Co-Pilot in a time of desperation (when I was mending the October code). Now I get these crazy AI generated suggestions on what I would write next. I can't stop reading them. Very amusing, but kinda freaky. Some AI is "learning" how I write, based on what I have written. The AI generated text has no voice. I, on the otherhand, have a very distinct voice. (OMG I hate when I prefer the suggestion). I need to turn this off

the AI generated text starts here:

6:45pm Made some pasta with marinara sauce. It was good. I need to make more substantial meals. Maybe add some protein next time. Went for a walk after dinner. It was chilly out. I like the cold. I like bundling up. Listening to Hex Enduction Hour by The Fall. This album is wild. So many different sounds and styles jammed into one record. I like it alot. It reminds me of Fun House by The Stooges, but more varied. 11:17am Just finished listening to the album. It was a trip. I feel like I went on a journey through a strange city with weird inhabitants. The lyrics are cryptic and surreal, adding to the overall atmosphere of the album. I appreciate albums that challenge me and make me think, and this one definitely does that. Time to get some rest now. Looking forward to tomorrow and whatever adventures it may bring. Goodnight world.

I feel like the AI is being toxic and dunking on me. Someone please confirm: I do not sound like the AI, correct?

Whoever coined the term "vibe coding" should be exhiled to endure years of hard labor. b/c using AI to code is NOT the vibe. Ever. I really enjoy learning how computers communicate with other computers and with humans. Helps me understand how I should communicate with my computer. This computer is my baby. Built her myself with that first Biden COVID stimulus check. So I would like to thank the taxpayers bearing the financial burden of this computer's birth. I'm going to fall in love with my computer, because its a charming reflection of myself. She cradles years of my data. I need to write something suitable for publishing (even if its some zine [might be cooler tbh]) I need to decide what type of literature I want to write. I am leaning towards poetry. Short and can be good if you have some theory. Or is this just another phony excuse to buy me more time and make me sound like a snob. Or fuck it, let's keep streaming this consciousness. I should just submit a screnshot of my webpage. So it needs to look cool. Please email me suggestions!

Finally peeling away from the computer. Still plenty more I could do, but its late.

The days end sooner, but today cannot end soon enough. One night of drinking extends into two days of loathing. I am ready to quit for good.

Break every link with air and mist, Seal every open vent; Make throat as tight as miser's fist, Keep life within you pent. Breathe out, breathe in, no more, no more, For breathing's for the meek; And when in deathly space we soar, Be careful not to speak. If you with grief or joy are rapt, Just signal with a tear; To soul and heart within you trapped Add speech and atmosphere. Every man's an island as in lifeless space we roam. Yes, every man's an island: island fortress, island home. -Siren's of Titan