10:50am

Interview, dr appointment, cleaned, stretch and pilates all done before 11am. Convincing myself that it will not be a long day. I need to eat and go for a walk, but I think I have time to rest first now.

There's a good thing from this. I could go to the grocery store for snackies. Planning to have a pint of ice cream for dinner (also good).

I need to pound water today. I wonder if Evian makes "reusable" (bc technically I resue the regular bottles) bottles. Might need to replace these plastic bottles. Then I can drink a real Evian and end the delusion.

I could read today. There is no guilt when you fall asleep with a book in your hand, or in my case, under your body and with the pages now creased.

This rambling is also a good doing nothing activity. Just thinking.

I hate how sassy AI is when you make a minor mistake. Typed 4A and it it was like "uhm that doesn't exsist babygirl. uhm you're ACTUALLY thinking of A4." And then it mansplains A4 to me. I just wanted the measurements ;-;

Drawing horses and listening to the pony playlist I made.

Watched Wheel of Time, Happy People: A Year in the Taiga, and Herdsmen of the Sun. Young Werner Herzog is kinda hot.

Phone interview went well enough. I don't want to move to Vermont. Sounds cold and expensive. There's also very limited housing, which is interesting. I'd really like to be a Digital Archivist, but I also want to get married and have babies. I'm closer to achiving the Digital Archivist goal than the family one U.U

6:26pm

Going to keep a pair of house shoes in my bag. It goes against my morals, but I really like the pair I got off AE. I delude myself to believe AE is okay, becuase at least I am not paying the markup. So many items in the stores today are some AE junk. I've found some really nice stuff...like these house shoes, and moissanite.

Stayed in all day and watched Herzog documentaries and organized the vanity.

I really don't need a second pair of house shoes.

5:52pm

The hour walk home was pleasant. The outfit was appropriate for the sunny 30 degree day in the city. The yoga pants I've been wearing the past three days slide down my waist and the bottom hems drag on the ground. I packed a second (dirty) pair for my short trip, but neglected to realize there would be no time for laundry. I was a bit under the weather on Friday. Not sure if I am getting sick sick.

The rented full-size SUV worked out well for moving. The hands free driving relieved much of the mental anguish of driving. I could enjoy the foggy mountain views, the Vengaboys tracks, and crawl deeper into my mind.

I was on a search for information, and it was found. It was very nice to see my friends and family for a few hours.

Even after the silent 5.5 hour drive home, I continued to dredge out ideas and revelations during that hour walk.

I woke up 2 hours before my 5am alarm. I was looking forward to the sunrise during the drive, but it was underwhelming.

Watching Julia Child. I have a phone interview tomorrow. One of my dream jobs, digital archivist.

I was looking forward to writing tonight, but I am too exhausted.

7:48pm

Tacking a program or browser to the side of the screen makes the cutest plink. Trying to replicate the sound.

I am distrubingly proud of my flexibility and mobility. Even my strength was remarked upon. Walking, stretching, and a prudent diet. Becoming more aware of each muscle. Still practicing grace and fluidity through muscle awareness.

The pride in my appearance tests my humility. Its real difficult to be modest and hot. I want everyone to look at me X_x

Trying out a short square nail shape. I can't get over how gross long nails are. Don't have the time or care to maintain them. I refuse to spend money on beauty services. If I can't do it myself, then it is a waste of money. An enduring beauty that need not be modified and cannot be improved.

A slow and predictable process.

I am not skilled enough to maintain long nails, and I don't care to learn how.

Really into smelling like sweet milk and spices.

4:42pm

60 degrees today, but I stayed inside. Condensed my belongs to make the move easier.

Visiting home for a couple nights sometime this month. The plan was Friday, but that may change.

Disguised intentions.

This past Christmas little brother digitized all our home movies. I am sure there is something to reflect on here, but I am too exhausted to get into it. Seeing my child self intensifies my want for children of my own. (but what doesn't make me feel this way?)

Hopes are high, with low expectations.

11:41pm

went out with a friend. This decision is difficult. Remember that you'll end up where you started some day, so why not now?

I want a family and cannot imagine doing so without my family nearby. I love the city though. And all my friends here.

What do you call this feeling? Sad (not the best word) but also hopeful and excited (also not great words)

I'll be back home again this weekend.

3:06pm

Set up git with a neocites workflow. Pushing to git also pushes to neocities.

I'll try fixing the style tonight. Feeling like I should just start over...again. I keep diving in without understanding. It gets too complicated.

Eager to leave. Need to remember to keep pushing to a minimum. Still have no idea what to put on the homepage.

10:24pm

Watched Cobra Verde and Aguirre.

11:11am

My mind has settled significantly overnight. The ability to recognize when my mind is stirring, and to know it will pass in a matter of days, is a relief. Wish I learned this sooner, but glad I learned it now, since I have quite a bit to deal with mentally.

I've come to the cafe that I frequented in the past. I had grown quite close to one of the regulars. We dated for about three months. The split had quite an effect on me. I have a notebook filled with unsent love letters to this undeserving man, My how I've grown. He would come in here every morning. As would I, even after we split. How embarassing.

Thankfully he is not here. I still took his favorite spot.

I saw him a few weeks ago on my walk to the library. I used to pass his place everyday on my walk to and from work. He crossed the street when he noticed me.

I don't like this phenomenon of building an intimate relationship with someone only to end up as strangers. It is depressing. This man in particular reignited my interest in classical literature. He introduced me to Steely Dan, He wasn't very kind to me, but I can thank him for this.

Our end began my dating aversion.

The gregarious old man is here.

Blaming my lovergirl disposition on the music I listened to in middle school and early high school. Specifically From Under the Cork Tree. Album holds up well 20 years later.

01-04-2025 Reflection:

This reflection stuff kinda dumb. I wasn't writing anything worthwhile a year ago. Going lessen my commitmment to this idea.

9:41pm

Messed around with the CSS today. So things aren't looking great. I'll fix it sooner or later.

10:34am

System of a Down and Drowning Pool playing at the cafe.

Writing in second person is not fun. Feels too direct and commanding. First person personal pronouns can be avoided still.

Starting off the new year on a big Nine Inch Nails kick. Hand that Feeds is now playing.

Favoring aimless writing over productivity (reading, fixing this site, applying for jobs, planning my move)

8:13pm

Peace is knowing in a day or two your mind will calm. I will make the most of it until then.

Tonight confirms that the worst is over. Your hair is cute, finally.

I have a strange habit of photographing books when I read something interesting. Always planning to use them in some way, but never doing so.

Atleast I have created a collection for them

No desire to organize or add more info at the moment. Maybe some day. But for now, you can figure it out. Didn't even bother to review the photos. The Google Photos query was "book pages" and this is what it gave me. I took more tonight but they haven't appeared yet.

lamo the first one is from War of the Worlds. Can't wait to read that and Frankenstein again this fall.

Watched Pumping Iron last night. One of my most watched movies. Up there with Aguirre. Started Fitzcarlado. Slightly embarassed that this is only the second Herzog film I've seen. I really should watch more. May be my favorite director. I also love Klaus Kinski.

Wait nevermind, I've see Even Dwarfs Started Small. I tend to confuse this movie with Freaks. I remember watching this during a stay at the psych ward. Eating rubbery scrambled eggs. Listening to the stories told by the janitor from the very high school I attended some years prior. I think he drew a picture for me. I could also hear the steps of the quiet stern bald man pacing up and down the hall. And the screams of a newly admitted young man. We befriended each other while completing a puzzle. Moreso I watched him complete it, he was a very skilled...puzzler?

I wanted to link an epub or pdf of "Spurs" by Tod Robbins. Freaks was based on this short story, and it is very good. Internet connection is weak tonight/ So another time

01-04-2025 Reflection:

Enojyed the beef shank curry I made the previous evening, even if it was a bit too salty.

Cafe, spin class, pilates class. Coffee at a friend's place northwest. We found ourselves discussing my attraction to robots (I like animatronic Abe Lincoln)

Ended with a nonsense ramble about coding as an art. I have the right idea, but didn't articulate it elequontly. I am still workinging on this today. I just need to read more. Memorize lines from novels.

5:18pm

You're back.

You need to fix this.

Your visit was enjoyable.

You have a decision to make.

Assuaged expectations. Not to be exceeded or subceeded. Worked in your favor.

You appriciate the stillness of home. Sadly your mind wanders a bit too far in the charmingly dull environment. Temporal stillness is scant in the city, but commotion eases the mind.

You've done well in practicing mindfulness. You bring this with you to whet the dull.

You did a decent amount of writing while home. You spent a night watching music videos from the bands you loved in middle school. You mused about the member of each band that you thought was "hot". Then you went on a tangent about the first time you saw a penis. It was Pete Wentz's. You were in seventh grade. Confused, curious, and a little repulsed. You prefer to not dwell on this.

Your attention now turned to the sand. You've always come back to him. Perhaps significant, but do not wrap your mind around it.

You install Linux Mint on the refurbished ThinkPad you bought with your Christmas money. You want to rebuild your music library. Only Nine Inch Nails and Fall Out Boy. You add albums when desired.

Your old iPod Touch works, but you haven't found a way to add new music to it. For now, it is an eclectic mix of songs you liked in 2012. At least there isThe Downward Spiral. Not bad taste thirteen years ago.

Weed and yoga is the plan for tonight. Tomorrow's plan: work at cafe (you have a 2025 reflection, don't forget), visit bar friends, feed yourself at some point.

A friend's advice may lead to a short hometown visit at the end of the month.

01-03-2025 Reflection:

Began to leave phone outside the bedroom. That didn't last. I expanded on my wardrobe philosophy. I have been able to simplify my wardrobe with higher quality pieces, but there is still more to be done.

I listened to Pet Sounds and the entire core Beatles discography. Cooked a beef shank at 8pm. Mended a skirt.

"Life is weird when you're living with a bloated artery in your neck."