10:04pm

forgot to delete that tinder account, and then I got curious, now I can't stop. Luckily I am going away soon.

Slowly making my way through these ambient albums. Spent most of the day toying with the computer. Organized files and changed the appearance.

Today I listened to Apollo: Atmospheres & Soundtracks, Structures From Silence, and Thursday Afternoon. Friends have been asking for music recommendations ^u^. I still cannot stop listening to Canaxis 5

Don't think I will update the log while I am gone, but I hope to study HTML & CSS for real. I was gifted a textbook (don't expand on this, you know).

I am making an effort to avoid frivolous spending. I have discovered vintage unicorn jewelry boxes that play music.

I can look and I can desire, but I cannot have.

noon-ish?

Some days you suffer more, payment for indulgences. Today is one of those days The moments vary in severity, temporally transient (this sounds cool, but I think "temporal" and "transient" are too similar.).

Watched Good Time last night. I thought it was dumb. My intent was to see movies with a OPN soundtrack, but I just don't like Safdie films. Why would I want to fill my brain with images of brutality? It was stupid. So tired of "watching" and "seeing" artificiality.

Going to watch Herdsmen of the Sun again tonight since it is one of my favorite Herzog docs, but I couldn't tell you a thing about it.

11:10pm

ambient albums I have listened to so far:

bold indicates favorites

This computer is already so slow. I am not sure what I did or how to fix it....

I believe my ability to predict my patterns has improved, or simply exists now. Not sure if I was ever aware of my patterns. If I've been aware, then I must have been in denial. I try to predict the future based on repeated patterns. I know what to avoid now that I see the pattern.

There was that really good part in Of Human Bondage about the rug. I wish I had my copy here with me. I'll look it up when I visit family soon.

There's nothing wrong with my head, but maybe my heart. Its in my eyes.

1:49pm

The medium is the message.

Cold and grey today. I have about 20 ambient albums I want to listen to. Trying to not be too productive today. Accept days of rest. I'm sacrificing productivity for lent.

10:53pm

the bar was loud and annoying. you would have loved it, and I would have loved it with you. But it was only me, and our song. I've seen my hopes and dreams lying on the ground.

6:05pm

Don't forget: the market downtown has the worst apples.

Going to eat a big dinner and watch Encounters at the End of the World.

Walked for 3 hours. Made some art. If only I knew how good today would've been yesterday. I should analyze these logs and identify commonalities among "good days."

It is difficult to listen to the Mars Volta when I used so many of their lyrics at Facebook status 15 years ago.

8:33pm

Deranged penguins and seal calls.

10:07pm

Preparing for a Bossa Nova summer.

10:05pm

I need to live alone so I can practice articulation. I don't move my mouth enough.

If I had to, I'd write a Banjo-Kazooie fanfic. There's a lot of material there. The evil snowmen in Freezeey Peaks are kinda hot. Cheato is hot. Mr. Vile, sure.

They can take my dextroamphetamine, but they can't take my dark chocolate and diet soda. I kept up today. Even with a constant headache. I cannot wait to consume more caffeine in the morning. Alarm is set for 7am.

10:51pm

Travel somewhere with good fruit.

My first experience using a Linux OS was in high school. I dated this real freak of a guy, but him and his weirdo friends were pretty creative and did too many drugs. He built a computer (hot) and installed Linux. I wanted to search the web for images of pink parakeets. I was too curious and ended up on some sketchy Turkish websites. I assume this is what broke his computer, but maybe I actually didn't do anything wrong and just took the blame. Anyways, now I live in fear of destroying this computer! It runs very warm.

You can't tell me I shouldn't click on sketchy links when they are showing me birds that look like this. (I learned it is not a parakeet but a Bourke Parrot)

Birds are so pretty.

Reading about birds and practicing hyperlinking tonight I guess.

Keeping my head down and getting through it. I filed my taxes today. Mardi Gras tomorrow. Still haven't had a paczki since moving here. Mom would purchase a half-dozen from the local grocery store every year. Always lemon filled. I crave and fear sweets. I'd like to participate in Lent in some way this year. Maybe I will go vegetarian. I once was fo 6 years. Lent was the reason I stopped drinking soda (now its just diet coke ok)

I want to be around happy people, so maybe wanting to make people happy is kind of selfish. But that feels sad to say.

10:03pm

Wore a Cake outfit today (short skirt long jacket). Went for a long walk. Watched Napoleon Dynamite.

"I would like to give you this advice that a fellow gave me some years ago. He said, "When an argument arises, if you go outside and take a nice walk, you'll calm down and you can come back, and it won't be an argument. And you'll find that it helps your health; all that fresh air and exercise will do you a lot of good."

2:27pm

My friend chuckled and ask "what is that?" As I was crouched down to the bottom shelf, admiring the image of Werner Herzog on the cover of his autobiography. "I love my old men." I said. I explained who he is and verbalized my lust for tall, soft spoken, intelligent German men with unruly hair.

9:55pm

Three glasses of wine to motivate me to go home and watch the Land of Silence and Darkness. I've recommend this film to a few people. I hope one of them watches it. Or even better, expresses interest in watching it with me (after three glasses of wine of course.)

I wrote about one of those strange childhood experiences. The first time I held a baby (I loooooove babies). New life. My little sister. Stillborn.

"Translate everything in the hand."

1:33pm

Long walk to the cafe and had many thoughts. For thirty minutes I sat next to my friend without notice. I was quite wrapped up in my thoughts and reading. Once I realized she was next to me, the thoughts faded. I'd rather run into a good friend than hold on to thoughts. There will plenty more. Not like any of these thoughts were (or ever will be) profound. Probably about either technology or men. I guess I am quite predictable.

2:45pm

The smell of my hands match the color of my face - salmon.

Today for Valentine's Day Week I:

My skin was screaming under all those colorful creams. It couldn't handle it. I used to wear very heavy makeup. Lately I look unrecognizable when I wear foundation or eyeliner. I wore a cat eyeliner look yesterday and felt so ugly lmao. I used to not leave the house without my cat eyeliner. I guess I prioritize rubbing my eyes and never having to worry about how I look. The last thing I want to do in public is use a mirror, or excuse myself to the restroom just to check my face. Have I mentioned how cool I think I am yet? Or have you already picked that up from my writings.

Nevermind, the only other dating app I'd use requires face verification or whatever, lmao no I will never. I will never be that desperate. "plz corporate overlords, i pray your machines will recognize me as a real human and permit me to find love".

Pavloved by the sound of a car horn. How sad. Wish something less mechanical reminded me of you.

Nearly all these Sweethearts are illegible. How am I supposed to coyly spread Valentine's cheer now?! I still have origami hearts. Still planning to bake and decorate cookies, but the community of potential recipients has dispersed, and I might never hear from the one person I want to feed more than anyone D':

The supposed new spot is so miserable alone. It is loud and everyone is annoying. Its bright. The bartender is too conventionally attractive and it makes me insecure. I just want a glass of wine, read my book, peacock, and be in bed by 9pm.

No more going to the bar alone then. I don't want to meet a man at a bar anyways. I'll wait til spring to meet one in the park

I can't continue to be the reason for failure. I must remain in the ways I project.

I saw like two too many dead children at my last job. I wish libraries would take a step back from new tech.

What if I just don't care about new technology? Will that free me from the eternal machine? Submit to a lesser machine. Can my dreams of never needing a "personal device" come true? Baby steps I suppose.

I am approaching the last pages of my travel notebook. I can't afford another one. I thought I could solicit donations here, but that is evil. I don't need to purchase a nice notebook anyways. I can scribble on scrap.

12:41pm

Reoccurring dream: difficultly moving my body, some times completely unable.

1:56pm

Laptop is behaving strange.

My "try first, learn later" approach may not be the best.(if you really believe so. Why not just keep trying until crashes because you have no foundation?)

I wish I could learn to pause when jumping into a new project. I would like to pause and learn about myself. I find myself creating more digital notes...and digital messes. I shouldn't even be writing this here because I have no foundational knowledge in web design. I should be trying to understand file organization. It is frustrating, and I am scared.

I have so many files floating around. It makes me hate computers. Maybe I will disappear from the web for a few months and learn something. I don't even know how to use VScode. I'm so embarrassed lol. But I don't want to mess with VScode too much until I have organized files.

This should have been a private digital note lol.

I continue to deliberate if I should apply whatever creative writing skills I think I have when writing my resume. I could just copy and paste any paragraph from this site. It all started on my walk home, pondering the connections between teaching and knowledge organization and information dissemination. (That sounds so cool)

I just need something to organize. My hands! They idle!

Something like..(1)quality metadata promotes quality information dissemination. (2) I still believe, and will argue, that the creation of the web and what it has become is good. The issue is that technology grows exponentially. I am really trying to remember the quote, but can't get any leads with the few queries I tried. But, I did find this somewhat spooky niche insider Microsoft magazine article.(plz don't tell them I stole it). I only made it to Figure 2 Exponential Technologies, and then became concerned as I began to think about how machines influence human to turn themselves into machines. Machines are manipulative. I do have a strong bias against Microsoft, but I can't help but to assume this is some AI propaganda. I don't want to spend my life in and out of medical facilities for what? To live longer? I bet I could make it to 80 before I decide to fully abandon modern medicine. I don't think I want to live many years past 80. I hate the design of this table too. Its incredibly ambiguous. And I don't like the idea of virtual reality replacing computers. These machines boast the ability to take you to another reality where anything can happen! and you can be whoever or whatever you want! and where your wildest dreams will come true!

They really want to keep us apart. I believe I have the fortitude to evade their attempts to get me, but it has been a process of unlearning. I really latch on to others who also desire a lower tech future. A more human future.

I am open to trying or learning about new technologies, but will only adopt if it would improve my life. Most recent ones haven't. I like Roombas and domestic robots have improved my life. I even admire the domestic technology being created today, for the most part. Blenders are really nice and fancy now. So are handmixers. Can get a nice KitchenAid handmixer for pretty cheap on ebay rn. I will also always sing the praises of the handmixer.

3:00pm

Wrote for over an hour, cool. Someday I will write something good, but you won't find it til after I pass. "Yeah, I've just been working on my magnum opus, nbd. It will never see the light of day before my death."

I bet I have enough content by now to start a manifesto. So keep an eye on Internet Archive reading list . I should research notable manifestos. I've read the SCUM Manifesto and the Communist Manifesto (lol did not comprehended tho)

I'm so off track now. I wanted to stretch and nap. I am so exhausted I nearly jumped into bed with my street clothes on.

Today for Valentine's Day week I downloaded a dating app lmao. Had to spoof a phone number since I was permanently banned from said site. It's only for a week. I don't think these apps are made for me. I've indulged in my crazy. Its really not that bad. I truly don't care what strangers think. Especially strangers on dating apps. Its all middle aged and/or hyperliberal men.

8:49pm

Banned from the dating app again. There's no getting around it. Good. All the men looked so generic, I wouldn't be able to tell them apart. I'll go back to being blatancy quirky in hopes someone will talk talk to me about Chao or Neopets.

1:56pm

Valentine's Week! But its below freezing and the heat isn't kicking on inside. Slept terribly due to the cold, but I had nice dreams.

The plan was to find a Valentine's themed coffee today, but it's too cold to walk around and try to find a place. Couldn't find anything online either. I'll go to the art museum and try to find any Cupid related art. I did a basic search on the museum websites, and while they do have Cupid items, they are not on display. The city art museum doesn't even have photos of the items in storage. Disappointing.

The only other ideas I have are baking and decorating cookies, reading Cupid and Psyche, and wearing fun makeup. I have 3 more days to fill.

8:13pm

Grabbed coffee and dinner with a friend. Happy to come home with the heat back on. Was planning to stay at his for the night. My flat white has a heart on it<3 That will count as a Valentine's drink. I'd like to read and write at a cafe tomorrow.

I picked up a CSS book from the thrift store. I need to be more serious about learning. The site style is embarrassing. Still deciding how I want to organize this page. It is a mess. Even something temporary.

Thinking about making a weekly newsletter. Is that egotistical? Would no one subscribing to it be more or less sad?

10:48pm

Its better, but not much. I need to find some inspiration.

8:14pm

I need an Eggbert (or Inch, or Goochy) Beanie Buddy and a piece of chocolate cake.

3:45pm

I feel grounded and calm after a rocky start to the week. Expecting the weekend to go smoother. Next week is Valentine's Day (!!!). Tied with Christmas for favorite holiday. I get to be extra sweet and cute to all my friends ^u^. Making soup to share this weekend, and heart cookies next week! I need more pink and red in my wardrobe for the occasion. I'll do a bold pink and/or red makeup. Skin has been uncooperative, so I also got heart shaped blemish patches ^^uu^^ I'm going to make (or find) a cute cookie box.

I finally tracked down a butternut squash. Third store was a charm. I took some notes during the excursion:

sugar butter snow :: Ignatius J. Reilly looking man on the bus :: if I must wear a dress, I need to remember to smooth then sit :: still can't find cocoa wheat :: Thinking about how I never said "oh hi Mark" to one of the regulars at the old bar.

Not the most inspiring day. Still extremely tired.

Oh I forgot Ignatius is an unemployed thirty-year-old with a master's degree...just like me....and I may end up back living with my mother...lol

I don't think I mentioned the lady that got in my face at the library earlier this week. We both needed to use the printer. She went first and printed some packet and began filling it out at the one station (found out later where the other one was...). I kindly asked her if she was using the printer...I was waiting for some time. She didn't not like that, at all. It was scary. I hate confrontation, so of course I started to tear up which continue for like 15 minutes. I'm so sensitive D: Anyways, she gave up the spot, so I got what I wanted. But she would not stop hurling expletives at me. I will never not be appalled at such language. So vile and unnecessary. She mentioned something about "white people think they can't do whatever they want." She was close to the truth. I can do whatever I want because I am hot.

Rambling to fill the downtime while this soup simmers.

I improved the "poem" four days ago. I don't like being so wordy a descriptive. I think this sounds better:

drawn without draw

I've been labeled "mysterious" and "an enigma" a handful of times. I wish I was less proud of it, because I am neither of those really. But I would like the facade to remain. Might as well write "mysterious" verse. If only to contrast the typical oversharing I do here.

Made my first butternut squash soup ^u^ I wanted to replicate the Whole Foods recipe, but I could not find a recipe that was a 1:1. I did some digging. The Whole Foods website have a webpage for it, but it returns a server error. Annoying. The next google result was a website called ansoup.com....I think? it was obviously all written by AI. It was entertaining to read. Every section opened with the same line "Whole Foods Market sells butternut squash soup, which is available in 24-ounce packs." I love that the machine decided that the size was second most important. So much so it was repeated multiple times.

It's sad that the grocer's own site doesn't have the recipe, it would be under their authority. And due to its unavailability, I went for an artificially written recipe. As a self-proclaimed (and maybe an other-proclaimed) "information specialist" I felt some shame for my choices. My frustration with the authorities lack of resources, that I then turned to the machine....[[I like how that sounds "I turned to the machine"]]

Okay so basically the artificial recipe had very few similarities to the ingredients listed on the soup packaging. I was even silly enough to fully follow this recipe, only to realize at the end....it didn't not taste the same, it was extremely bland. So I went freestyle. My spice mix ended up tasting fine. It is a bit spicy for me, but I have low spice tolerance. My sadistically inclined friends will enjoy. It's very creamy and spicy...

10:17pm

A bad week, hopeful for a good weekend, but no expectations.

Unemployment is getting to me. Intensifying a feeling of "unwantedness" (don't think that is a word)

My closest confidants also having a bad week, family death and losing employment, forces me to keep quite. There is no support at this time. I know this feeling will pass, with some amount of time (feels like too much time has already passed, and I am still stuck in the same place)

Months of poor sleep is catching up. Its difficult to garner the energy need to complete simple tasks. I miss my old medication.

Hope is challenged, but I cannot loose my optimism, but I may have to accept some losses, unless there exists a compromise (I hope). I am looking forward to Valentine's day.

Feeling so unwanted, unneeded, unnecessary, is torture. I wish I had my own room to cry. The body needs a dramatic release of intense emotions. After enduring some sort of rejection I would hurry home. Holding back tears, forgetting to look for traffic. Upon entering my apartment, I would fall to my knees and sob for a few minutes. I've only done this twice, and it provided relief. I long for my own space, but until then, a few tears shed before bed will have to do.

1:22pm

woof, I was real off this morning. Shower, pretty outfit, popping a pill, two mile walk to the cafe. Feeling much better. I walked up a new street today. I found a new delight in hiking up my skirt to climb the snow and ice mountains. I overdressed. Too warm. Which is a nice change. But I just thrifted this beautiful winter coat.

Planning to cook tonight so I can share it with others :)

8:24pm

Nothing that a five mile walk can't fix. Today began rough, but now I feel back to my normal self. Walk to cafe, walk to store, walk home. I nearly got this new design figured out. A work in perpetual progress. Not unlike the rest of my being. Endless progression.

I jotted down some gratitudes (this not a word??), keep them in .txt file. I can now admit that typing is easier than writing. There just no way to not look like a knucklehead behind your computer at the bar. I wouldn't want people to assume I am doing "real work" or "hanging out" on social media. I can hide in the corner again now that I must frequent a different spot. I wish there was a middle-ground between pen and paper and computer. I am sure it exists, but I can't imagine it provide the same functionality of a computer. with a bit more consideration, I could describe my perfect writing medium.

Or maybe I should just get over it and take the computer to the bar. That would be easier and cheaper. Much of my decision paralysis would be eradicated if I considered other people's judgment less. I am working on it.

12:16pm

lil snippets of yesterday's writings

Early morning stimulation to
Late morning, distance.
A reeling mind, lonely and lost
Food, exercise, socialize
A new location, a new sensation
Anxiety, irritation, dread
This or that, that or this
A strange array
Soup, eggs, chickpeas, cocoa krispies, a small baguette, four apples, sad scallions,
one avocado, a small bundle of green mums to cheer me up
A mistiming, unwilling to remain,
a 2 mile walk home
places unknown,
where I do not belong,
me and and my green mums.

here's another one:

[[drawn
unable to draw,
love and care
not given
unwanted
imbalance of the given
and of the taken.

My regular spot has suddenly closed. Where will I go and restart the process? Seeing it as an opportunity to meet someone.

I wrote a quote from The Counterfeiters on the reverse side of the merchant receipt. It may be appropriate:
"In real life nothing is solved; everything continues. We remain in out uncertainty; and we shall remain to the very end without knowing what to make of things."
I enjoy writing notes and drawing pictures on receipts. I should do this more often. Or does it read as pretentious?

3:34am

Sleeping on thoughts tonight.

I haven't made a file for February, but I want to document this moment. Up very late. Not much to say about it yet.

I enjoy spending time getting ready. I was underdressed, wearing a backless top. I didn't take my sweater off so I think I got away with it. I will have to wait for warm weather to wear this again.

Blue eyeshadow looks so good. I felt so cute tonight. I'm glad I got to get dolled up and dance tonight. I think I will be less nervous next time.

Anyways, I've said enough. Annoying to talk about my appearance.