8:11pm

Maybe I'll just write sci-fi poetry. I fear and love machines. My relationship with technology is complicated.

I usually become more attached in the winter. Alone all day in my room with the computer. I miss warm weather and long walks.

I am reading In the Absence of the Sacred and digging into the Luddite movement. Remain balanced. I am over-doing the tech now, taking comfort in the assurance of spring.

This year, summer will be Luddite.

i reap my misery from the seeds I sow.

2:18pm

Finally finished the Counterfeiters. Nearly four months. Considering the next read.

Slim pickings since most of books are back home:

Leaning towards non-fiction.

4:31pm

Updated enough to share the new layout. Still have to fix the art pages. I lost the 01/27 log. This was more difficult than I imagined. No doubt I made it harder than it should be.

3:15pm

Too much time spent fussing with my computer and writing scripts. Its been a few days since I worked on this. Nearly satisfied with the new design.

Snow, ice, and cold have kept me inside. Probably why I am so exhausted. Granola for the last three meals probably isn't helping.

Technical work suppresses inspiration. Seclusion smothers. A particular phrase floats in my mind. It has potential.

A wider scope could improve, or provide material for, writing.

Once my body ceases this constant quivering, I will practice movements.

I brewed my usual one cup of coffee and drank the usual amount, three quarters. I was invited to share in a pot of coffee with my housemates. I glady obliged and drank an entire second cup. A clenched jaw and stiff body.

7:54pm

Improvement: Wheel Pose. Released pose without flopping. Next: duration & fluidity.

I am going to do that cartwheel this year.

As a child I spent many mornings transfixed on the Coco Wheats box. Never known the taste, but never forgotten the look. There was no end. It caused me dread. The boy eating Coco Wheats, the box nearby. On and on it went, and I couldn't see the end. Squinting, nose tip pressed against the cardboard. Still no end. Does he know? He is one box closer to the end.

The Coco Wheats box within the Coco Wheats box. Eduardo's writings within Gide's writing. The tale of Cupid and Psyche within the Metamorphoses.

mise en abyme

3 Tbsp = 110 calories. Absolutely poverty food. I should pick up a box..survive off Coco Wheats. I'm terrible at cooking for myself. A meal for others must nourish and please. A meal shared with no one is a meal not worth having.[idk how the saying goes] A meal for myself needs only to be filling.

9:00pm

I think my futon is too soft..

I also want to be able to enter Wheel pose from standing.

okay I finally figured out the spellchecker. now try to reveal the truth -- I'm an orthographically-challenged idiot.

I guess I wrote well enough to relieve the guilt. Won't feel too bad if I don't make progress on this poem.

For a moment I believed my ears buds were completely unusable. Finally a reason to purchase a new pair. But to my increasing displeasure, they worked again. The case does not hold a charge. Something will happen to them soon, then I can get those pink ones.

Trying to not sleep diagonally.

11:56am

I need to stop hunching over the computer. Someday I will have a floor desk. I need to sew handles onto the futon. It's a couch and a bed. Which makes me regret buying a couch some years ago. It's okay. I'm sure I'll get some use out of that couch one day. Hanging out on the floor is rad. I've had little success in conversion. Its been quite an investment too. I wish I knew what other people thought of it. I crave constructive criticism. Without, objection I begin to imagine their critiques, that I waaaant, are imprisoned in fear. A fear of me. To listen rather than to speak. When to engage and when to retreat. Interject with questions and concerns at the most unsuitable moments. Basically interrupting people. How embarrassing. So I am learning to love listening. Speaking is next.

8:42pm

Considering a style change. Something softer.

11:15pm

I've been editing logs. Feels like I shouldn't, but some of the thing I wrote are real dumb. I'm always so bashful when showing this site to others.

I trust that I am good enough to be myself around others. Let people read my garbage. It's really not so bad...right?

Up late looking at art. Added a new list on IA. Collecting images of art I like. I really like reclining nudes.

I like this artist

and this one

1:04pm

Crawling through the last 100 pages of the Counterfeiters. I can think about what to read next.

Referencing past logs to understand my behaviors. (I knew this endeavor would provide some benefit) I needed to understand how I had turned so heartless.

The explanation: I left my job the very day following reconnection.

An unsuperable sense of contrition. I must refrain from actions that induce this unbearable guilt. Continue to seek a more tender, warm, and affable disposition toward others.

Reviewing logs from last summer. I feel as though my writing has fallen off a bit. Or has become less serious and logical?

Feel more, think less. Improve articulation. You are braindead flounder.

3:34pm

Although the environment was not conducive to doing so, I was graced with the opportunity to dance. It was as if I had forgotten everything I had learned about my body and movement. It was too bright and stagnant to stimulate the mind-body connection. It would be ideal to achieve this regardless of the environment. Baby steps.

I am reminded of a favorite quote from Of Human Bondage:

"[She] liked dancing and poetry better than anything in the world. She danced well, but very, very slowly, and an expression came into her eyes as though her thoughts were far, far away. She talked breathlessly of the floor and the heat and the supper."

I would like to begin compiling pieces of writing that I deem particularly good.

4:57

Enjoyed my walk and wanted to continue, but I've lost much sleep this weekend. I knocked out 10 pages of The Counterfeiters. The last sentence of today's reading:

"When I am with you, I am too happy to sleep."

I practice great restraint. I do hope that, if not the case currently, to provide happiness to another. My risk adverse paramours would once send me to the brink of lunacy. Vying for their love and attention. I fear I may never resolve this fixation on emotionally distant men. Advancement in this perpetual venture towards serenity has altered my very being (for the better) that I can now navigate these relationship with ease.

God grant an allegory.

I'd say much of my happiness is derived from others. Others as a source of happiness, necessitates the responsibility to make others happy. The inverse would never provide.

All this jabbering just to conclude with the Golden Rule. Maybe one day I will have an original and complex thought.

6:18pm

After review, I believe my writing "fell off" around the end of October. I remember how I was then. Perhaps it explains the shift.

8:30pm

An additional day of the house to myself. Unexpected as I assumed they were returning today.

I was speaking of rebuilding my music collection to a friend last night. I intuitively add new music. Its been a slow process as I tend to explicitly search for new music. Adding album after album, most to never be listened to.

I'm throwing in a caveat: I can search for similar music to what I feel. Using RYM (not sure if this is even the standard still) to search for artist within the same genre.

I finally got around to listening to Oil Of Every Pearl's Un-Insides, in full, and I cannot stop. At least once a day.

11:37pm

Noting the time. Stop going to bed so late.

Spent too much time flipping through 90's Japanese fashion mags.

I need to watch someone code irl. I know I am not using VSCode correctly. I should correct this sooner than later. I've been writing garbage code for over a year.

11:23am

This city has the sweetest bananas. Add that to the "pros" column of that "pros and cons of staying" list that you never started, but really should because it would help to quantify this decision. i don't trust my feelings.

I used to not be like this.

11:56am

Collaging and writing a letter to a friend who never asked for it.

I should start writing letters on the collage. I like to dress up the envelope and/or include a lil collage (usually a bookmark).

I did promise to send something, but I can't send something without a letter. Even if it is unexpected, unwanted, or annoying. Taking my time drafting and editing this letter. Hopefully to be a little less annoying.

Although, I don't really care for people who think I am annoying. I see it as fun. I am having a lot of fun making this envelope and writing this letter. I am getting what I want out of it, anything more is a nice surprise.

I am trying to avoid this intention of creating for validation. Need to stop caring what others will think.

I don't have a scanner to digitize collages. I hesitate when confronted with the possibility of never seeing a piece again. This seems neat in theory, and I wish I could get on board with it. I bet I can scan them to a jump drive at the library....

Rebuilding my music collection ^u^

Trying to write this letter. suppressing the tendency to ramble and be too much. Trying to be concise and caring. I don't know what brevity is.

I've been formatting the dates incorrectly -_-

10:01pm

♥What if we took Trazadone 50mg and watched Herzog documentaries♥

Watched Land of Silence and Darkness. Absolutely my favorite so far.

I have a not completely unreasonable fear of losing my vision. Touch and hearing are my favorite senses. I think touch is underappreciated. I should touch more.

A bit I pull during intimate moments- running my fingers across a man's face under the guise of "what if I lose my sight one day?" This bit doesn't translate to text well.

8:49pm

Internet connection is acting up. Now I can't numb my mind watching Aguirre over and over again. I know this isn't much better. I need to write a letter and learn to draw a horse.

I think I made my therapist emotional today. Being real about a reoccurring memory I have. But I also made him laugh with my love life anecdotes.

I guess I'll listen to Fall Out Boy and decorate this envelope.

10:50am

Interview, dr appointment, cleaned, stretch and pilates all done before 11am. Convincing myself that it will not be a long day. I need to eat and go for a walk, but I think I have time to rest first now.

There's a good thing from this. I could go to the grocery store for snackies. Planning to have a pint of ice cream for dinner (also good).

I need to pound water today. I wonder if Evian makes "reusable" (bc technically I reuse the regular bottles) bottles. Might need to replace these plastic bottles. Then I can drink a real Evian and end the delusion.

I could read today. There is no guilt when you fall asleep with a book in your hand, or in my case, under your body and with the pages now creased.

This rambling is also a good doing nothing activity. Just thinking.

Drawing horses and listening to the pony playlist I made.

Watched Wheel of Time, Happy People: A Year in the Taiga, and Herdsmen of the Sun. Young Werner Herzog is kinda hot.

Phone interview went well enough. I don't want to move to Vermont. Sounds cold and expensive. There's also very limited housing, which is interesting. I'd really like to be a Digital Archivist, but I also want fall in love. I'm closer to archiving the Digital Archivist goal than the love one U.U

6:26pm

Stayed in all day and watched Herzog documentaries and organized the vanity.

I really don't need a second pair of house shoes.

5:52pm

The hour walk home was pleasant. The outfit was appropriate for the sunny 30 degree day in the city. The yoga pants I've been wearing the past three days slide down my waist and the bottom hems drag on the ground. I packed a second (dirty) pair for my short trip, but neglected to realize there would be no time for laundry. I was a bit under the weather on Friday. Not sure if I am getting sick sick.

The rented full-size SUV worked out well for moving. The hands free driving relieved much of the mental anguish of driving. I could enjoy the foggy mountain views, the Vengaboys tracks, and crawl deeper into my mind.

I was on a search for information, and it was found. It was very nice to see my friends and family for a few hours.

Even after the silent 5.5 hour drive home, I continued to dredge out ideas and revelations during that hour walk.

I woke up 2 hours before my 5am alarm. I was looking forward to the sunrise during the drive, but it was underwhelming.

Watching Julia Child. I have a phone interview tomorrow. One of my dream jobs, digital archivist.

I was looking forward to writing tonight, but I am too exhausted.

7:48pm

Tacking a program or browser to the side of the screen makes the cutest plink. Trying to replicate the sound.

I am disturbingly proud of my flexibility and mobility. Even my strength was remarked upon. Walking, stretching, and a prudent diet. Becoming more aware of each muscle. Still practicing grace and fluidity through muscle awareness.

The pride in my appearance tests my humility. Its real difficult to be modest and hot. I want everyone to look at me X_x

Trying out a short square nail shape. I can't get over how gross long nails are. Don't have the time or care to maintain them. I refuse to spend money on beauty services. If I can't do it myself, then it is a waste of money. An enduring beauty that need not be modified and cannot be improved.

A slow and predictable process.

I am not skilled enough to maintain long nails, and I don't care to learn how.

Really into smelling like sweet milk and spices.

4:42pm

60 degrees today, but I stayed inside. Condensed my belongs to make the move easier.

Visiting home for a couple nights sometime this month. The plan was Friday, but that may change.

Disguised intentions.

This past Christmas little brother digitized all our home movies. I am sure there is something to reflect on here, but I am too exhausted to get into it. Seeing my child self intensifies my want for children of my own. (but what doesn't make me feel this way?)

Hopes are high, with low expectations.

11:41pm

went out with a friend. This decision is difficult. Remember that you'll end up where you started some day, so why not now?

I want a family and cannot imagine doing so without my family nearby. I love the city though. And all my friends here.

What do you call this feeling? Sad (not the best word) but also hopeful and excited (also not great words)

I'll be back home again this weekend.

3:06pm

Set up git with a neocites workflow. Pushing to git also pushes to neocities.

I'll try fixing the style tonight. Feeling like I should just start over...again. I keep diving in without understanding. It gets too complicated.

10:24pm

Watched Cobra Verde and Aguirre.

11:11am

My mind has settled significantly overnight. The ability to recognize when my mind is stirring, and to know it will pass in a matter of days, is a relief. Wish I learned this sooner, but glad I learned it now, since I have quite a bit to deal with mentally.

I've come to the cafe that I frequented in the past. I had grown quite close to one of the regulars. We dated for about three months. The split had quite an effect on me. I have a notebook filled with unsent love letters to this undeserving man, My how I've grown. He would come in here every morning. As would I, even after we split. How embarrassing.

Thankfully he is not here. I still took his favorite spot.

I saw him a few weeks ago on my walk to the library. I used to pass his place everyday on my walk to and from work. He crossed the street when he noticed me.

I don't like this phenomenon of building an intimate relationship with someone only to end up as strangers. It is depressing. This man in particular reignited my interest in classical literature. He introduced me to Steely Dan, He wasn't very kind to me, but I can thank him for this.

Our end began my dating aversion.

The gregarious old man is here.

Blaming my lovergirl disposition on the music I listened to in middle school and early high school. Specifically From Under the Cork Tree. Album holds up well 20 years later.

01-04-2025 Reflection:

This reflection stuff kinda dumb. I wasn't writing anything worthwhile a year ago. Going lessen my commitment to this idea.

9:41pm

Messed around with the CSS today. So things aren't looking great. I'll fix it sooner or later.

10:34am

System of a Down and Drowning Pool playing at the cafe.

Writing in second person is not fun. Feels too direct and commanding. First person personal pronouns can be avoided still.

Starting off the new year on a big Nine Inch Nails kick. Hand that Feeds is now playing.

Favoring aimless writing over productivity (reading, fixing this site, applying for jobs, planning my move)

8:13pm

Peace is knowing in a day or two your mind will calm. I will make the most of it until then.

Tonight confirms that the worst is over. Your hair is cute, finally.

I have a strange habit of photographing books when I read something interesting. Always planning to use them in some way, but never doing so.

At least I have created a collection for themRemoving until I style the page.

No desire to organize or add more info at the moment. Maybe some day. But for now, you can figure it out. Didn't even bother to review the photos. The Google Photos query was "book pages" and this is what it gave me. I took more tonight but they haven't appeared yet.

lamo the first one is from War of the Worlds. Can't wait to read that and Frankenstein again this fall.

Watched Pumping Iron last night. One of my most watched movies. Up there with Aguirre. Started Fitzcarlado. Slightly embarrassed that this is only the second Herzog film I've seen. I really should watch more. May be my favorite director. I also love Klaus Kinski.

Wait nevermind, I've see Even Dwarfs Started Small. I tend to confuse this movie with Freaks. I remember watching this during a stay at the psych ward. Eating rubbery scrambled eggs. Listening to the stories told by the janitor from the very high school I attended some years prior. I think he drew a picture for me. I could also hear the steps of the quiet stern bald man pacing up and down the hall. And the screams of a newly admitted young man. We befriended each other while completing a puzzle. more so I watched him complete it, he was a very skilled...puzzler?

Here is Spurs by Tom Robbins. Freaks was based on this short story, and it is very good.

01-04-2025 Reflection:

enjoyed the beef shank curry I made the previous evening, even if it was a bit too salty.

Cafe, spin class, pilates class. Coffee at a friend's place northwest. We found ourselves discussing my attraction to robots (I like animatronic Abe Lincoln)

Ended with a nonsense ramble about coding as an art. I have the right idea, but didn't articulate it eloquently. I am still working on this today. I just need to read more. Memorize lines from novels.

5:18pm

You're back.

You need to fix this.

Your visit was enjoyable.

You have a decision to make.

Assuaged expectations. Neither exceeded nor subceeded (not a word). Worked in your favor.

You appreciate the stillness of home. Sadly your mind wanders a bit too far in the charmingly dull environment. Temporal stillness is scant in the city, but commotion eases the mind.

You've done well in practicing mindfulness. You bring this with you to whet the dull.

You did a decent amount of writing while home. You spent a night watching music videos from the bands you loved in middle school. You mused about the member of each band that you thought was "hot". Then you went on a tangent about the first time you saw a penis. It was Pete Wentz's. You were in seventh grade. Confused, curious, and a little repulsed. You prefer to not dwell on this.

Your attention now turned to the sand. You've always come back to him. Perhaps significant, but do not wrap your mind around it.

You install Linux Mint on the refurbished ThinkPad you bought with your Christmas money. You want to rebuild your music library. Only Nine Inch Nails and Fall Out Boy. You add albums when desired.

Your old iPod Touch works, but you haven't found a way to add new music to it. For now, it is an eclectic mix of songs you liked in 2012. At least there isThe Downward Spiral. Not bad taste thirteen years ago.

Weed and yoga is the plan for tonight. Tomorrow's plan: work at cafe (you have a 2025 reflection, don't forget), visit bar friends, feed yourself at some point.

A friend's advice may lead to a short hometown visit at the end of the month.

01-03-2025 Reflection:

Began to leave phone outside the bedroom. That didn't last. I expanded on my wardrobe philosophy. I have been able to simplify my wardrobe with higher quality pieces, but there is still more to be done.

I listened to Pet Sounds and the entire core Beatles discography. Cooked a beef shank at 8pm. Mended a skirt.

"Life is weird when you're living with a bloated artery in your neck."