and they say "love yourself to never desire." To that I say: I know no other as pleased with thyself as myself. And I say "Perhaps it is a matter of appearance. I very well know my fleshy insecurities." Ah, but they say it is of no matter in the ways of love.
So what is it?
Reading The Sickness Unto Death. What more is there to learn of love without it? So I turn my attention to despair. Something I would like to explore through creative writing. I'm getting ideas. I have at least one character and two themes.
Heart sinking further. Soft and insoluble,
useless retching. Steadfast and nauseating. Inverted and
small.
Now I imagine the tension in my torso. Catching and enclosing my heart.
Annihilating the sensation. Continue to train for an impenetrable core.
12 miles ride today. Easier than expected. I'll reach the 22 mile goal in no time. Wrote about weird men around town, pondered a novel idea. I need to read more Kobo Abe.
End of July is approaching so I think about all the things I took an interest in this month. The barista job has got me very interested in music again. Sitting and listening to a full album is relaxing and productive. I've been exploring new genres
Editing at work, a long time intention. I notice the errors, but don't feel much need to correct.
I feel like doing this again.
I worked a double and then hung out in the dirt.
A vicious hand to shed the day.
The green time 10:14, the red button scowl.
Can't assume my mother left the coffee maker on this late at night for
any good reason.
But just to make sure--
Two weeks ago a kettle in flames,
Respite above.
With the short form content.
Sounds through the stairwell.
I go to meet her.
Notice why I am here.
I have to care.
Dedicate my life.
to her.
Once with money, now with presence.
Returning home at 10 o'clock on a Sunday,
to see see the red light
Believing I write better when high is quite the excuse.
Now if I could just identify what motivated me to write
tonight...a full day. I need to "earn" my time off this week. So I don't
feel like a loser for relaxing. Sometimes the anticipation is more fun than the experience
itself. I can be confident about my future, understand it may not go as
expected, but appreciate the experience.
I feel like a loser for being content in life
catharsis day. but i am back home in my room, neither a person i want to see nor do not want to see is around. alone with 3 pounds of blueberries.
I can never rid myself of the cares I do not need and gain the ones I do.
either I have suffered enough that god will grant me with the hottest guy in town or that I haven't suffered enough and will continue to endure.
Pleased with the first draft of my cafe opening playlist. I only made one change. Working on one for closing on Wednesday. It just might be all Japanese Jazz Fusion. Getting real jazzed at the night cafe. It's the kind of music my life has been missing. Years ago I tired to get into it, but I probably wasn't happy enough to appreciate it.
Woke up at 8am, went to the corner store to buy whey protein but the decided I don't need it, walked home, dosed around 10am, still in my pajamas
The shop is hosting an open poetry/reading night on Friday. I am going to check it out and support my coworker who is putting it on. I wanted this job to meet people and get out of my shell, and it is going very well. So well that I am attending my first poetry night. I've always wanted to, but never had a reason. I am grateful my job has given me reason. It might be what I need to get motivated and write something worth attaching my face to. Work has motivated me to explore music again. Wasn't planning to really get into Japanese Jazz Fusion. Can left me wanting more, only listening to Ege Bamyasi and multiple times a day.
Sticking it to the only person who has read my writing irl and gave a garbage critique, by sharing my writing with more people irl who can give me a proper critique. I know I should drop it, I don't even remember what he said it was so dumb)
Jazz fusion sounds like the Angry Beavers opening theme.
There is no hurry to get outside. I have plenty of time today. Magic reminds me that I can make love by myself. Going for a walk so I can get a better definition of "love" so I can be more clear. Love is joy, joy is love it a simple starting point.
My new language is part human, part machine...lol
[~8am]Early morning research (start documenting time again)
----bowdyweight routine, purchased a resistance band and food scale
[~9am]Bike ride to park for workout
----practiced new exercises, will begin routine on Monday
[~10am}joint, shower
----thought about health and identity,
removed heart monitor
-----nothing abnormal on the TEE, so I'm over this shit fr real now.
------healthy as a mare
[now 11:17am] writing and thinking about the dumb vain things I need to do. Left over adhesive on my torso has gathered lint and gunk. Following the edge of the monitor lies black gunk. I need to scrub hard, but risk removing the bandage. A massage with my fingers may break the seal. I can't remove the gunk without removing the monitor. There's nothing wrong with my heart. so I don't gotta do this shit. If I stroke takes me, so be it, but I am not spending my time alive trying to figure out what will cause it. I am going to die someday. I am trying to be as healthy as I can. I struggle to be both physically and socially health. I hope all the socializing I get at work now will fill the void. I've been filling it with the bar, but I've been going a lot less recently.
I wonder if I wrote about the time I unhooked my own IV and walked out of the hospital late one night in downtown Big City. I have been considering how to migrate my two repositories. If only the were interoperable :(
Working to hard on a work playlist. I am trying to play only music that is in the store. So I have been listening to a lot of weird man music. Like Can. Then I look at Holger and think "where is my weird man?" But nothing is mine except myself.
Read the first chapter of "On Human Finery" by Quentin Bell. If I read non-fiction, I need to take notes. I hope this book further develops thoughts on fashion. It feels a bit dated as fashion is so versatile nowadays, in part due to the World Wide Web. Basically "something something fashion is a social construct" but he makes it interesting. I'll reread chapter 1 and post notes.
It takes a much longer time to settle on fiction. I finished The Plague..last week? So far I read the first chapter of "Brave New World" (I think I read it in high school, but I am not sure), carried "Of Human Bondage" in my bag for the past three days (read one paragraph), and laughed about "A Confederacy of Dunces" with a good friend (his current read and I could actually talk to someone about my favorite book. It would be my fourth read ad probably pretty quick.)
Yes, considerations. So many. Now I need to file my nails :(
I need a poster of this
[8:25pm]
Started notes for On Human
Finery
Desktop is back, and so is all the writing I thought was lost.
Rainy afternoons here. Listening to albums that may sound nice in a cafe. Idyllic is sitting in my own
room, in my own bed, the soft rain behind parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. All after outdoor exercise.
I enjoy it alone, I bought too large of a bed though.
Growing up we watched thunderstorms on the porch, wrapped in blankets, terrified. I enjoy a thrill and
fear is only natural. I want to know my limits, and the only way to get there is to go there. (Like the
unplanned 15 mile bike ride) I've pushed my mind to the limit too many times now (gone crazy), so I am pushing my body.
The first four hours at the new job went very well. I enjoy playing DJ. I put on Donna Summers, Peter
Gabriel, and Iron Butterfly. Thinking Eno will be next. Forty pages left in the Plague. It has been a
slow burn, but the last third has been so good, it got me to write about God.
Trying to understand my lack of motivation to post here. The heat? The exhaustion? (Rode 12 miles on
Thursday, 15 on Friday) The lack of organization in my room is certainly a contributor.
I feel more at ease here. Feeling more love and joy rather than pain and torment. More acceptance than
isolation.
I hate this heart monitor. I still have nine days left with it.
There is at least on new June post in this update. So make sure to read that. It's a depressing one.
"...a loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes and hour when on is weary of prisons, of
one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a
loving heart"
My room feels like my own. A room of one's own.
