Not much interest in writing or working on this site recently. Spending my days reading and walking. Waiting to hear back from a couple jobs. Can'y be bothered to complete or delete past entries. Just leaving it as is.
Every couple days I visit a spot by the river. Here I stare at the ground and search for "treasure." The treasure is collected and hidden in spot nearby. Mostly metal spikes and pieces of ceramic. i found a piece partially stamped with text. I am going to figure out what it is.
I am having a little boy adventure summer. Going to climb a tree soon. I feel my body is conditioned enough to start learning that cartwheel. This is the year I fulfill that New Year resolution.
Cleaned the dishes I dirtied making a roasted lemon tart yesterday. Replied to my neuro, should have health insurance here soon, then I can get that surgery. Maybe it will cure all my pain. I've already walked five miles.
Trying to increase and vary my physical activity. I'd really like to workout outside, but it seems I have very specific requirements. I am interested in those outdoor calthentincs stations(I haven't forgotten about Catherine Beecher). I found one two and a half miles away. I went on foot, with just my phone and bottled water (still reusing Evian water bottles frequently roatating between two.)
I killed my tama. Went to the bar late at night alone. Really enjoyed myself. Got to dance. I lost my mind and dipped as soon as the music did. Trying to replicate all the interesting thoughts I had, but it's no use. My mom said I am thin. I have a stupid crush. Men aint shit unless its the one you dont even know but are toootally crushing on. I have reasons to why each individual an aint shit, except for him. Let me be delusional and myesterioous. Forgot about him once the music started,
The music was noisy over a sustained beat. I was able to find the beat and dance to that, even whil eother things where happening. I knew the beat. The intro had me worried. Covering "Bad to the Bone." Only makes me thing of the tshirt my little brother has. But it picked up. Wonderfully. And there was even an outro. That helped in planning my exit. gave me timeto think. I sayed for the outro, and walked out after the applause. There was much I wanted to say to thers. Like, "can I bum a cirgarette?" or , "omg that set as so good!" But I am glad I never gave mysef the chane to say these things I am now home, and saying there things here. They are safer here. They won't read them. No one wil read them.
'I will sleep well tonight. Completed two interviews, did not rest today. Mind or body is always going. I will resume the job hunting and resume building tomorrow. I am not out of here yet, so I must keep working. I can have fun on Sunday if the need persists. I must remain "isolated" between these moments of fun. I will continue to go out and be of the town, but just on my own. No one else.
I have been slowly selling off some of my more valuable possessions. It is a relief. To aid in judgment, I have picked back up my old v4.5 Tamagotchi. It is hard to part with these. I am trying to only have one of each version. I have to Ons and two v5 Connections. One On I started to customize, the other is a Wondergarden. Difficult to part with either. I have one used v5 with the charms and one new in box. Another difficult decision. I will keep them all packed up in a box under the bed. I hope to get a good care character on the v4.5. I have only raised bad care characters. After two gens of Horoyotchi, I finally got a male offspring. She mated with another Ura Mame, so I will not be getting a special toddler. I will have to try to get into a different group this gen.
A fawn sleeps in the yard. It is incredibly sweet and melts my heart. I stare at the forest ahead. I forgot how it was to walk in complete dark. Dulling even a single sense brings immense relief.
Happy to see my mom watches the local PBS channel now and not CNN. She''s still watching videos on her phone, didn't sound like anything concerning tho. She's been really interested in beagle rescue groups.
My parents are weird, but at least they aren't insane.
I miss my desktop computer. Nearly six months without it ｡°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°｡
Cool and humid tonight. Heavy fog.
Preparing for two job interviews next week. I would love to say I'd rather die than take a job at Lyrasis, but here I am hoping to get this position.
"The lawnmower man is inside you now Jake" is my favorite line from the movie The Lawnmower Man. "And it was so cool" is my favorite line from the novel Crime and Punishment. But what does it mean to have the Lawnmower Man inside you? We never know what happens to Jake. I assume, from the graphics, that he becomes an idiot. Maybe the Lawnmower Man is inside me now. He is most certainly inside everyone else but me, but perhaps also in me too.
Radiohead is on the speakers and the last Harry Potter on the screen. I feel the Lawnmower Man inside me. It feels good to write again. I sent an insane letter(s) today. I had black coffee, so the anxiety is going off. I couldn't keep thinking about writing him any longer. It was getting into my dreams. I wrote a handful of letters, never finished. It came to be, as I realized today, that I would never finish a letter to him. It would never happen. I have far too much to say. In a moment of raw frustration, I tore each partial letter from my notebook, threw it in an envelope, and sent it off. Whatever, I just want to hear from him eventually.
I burned the right side roof of my mouth on falafel last week. The burn was so severe that it as caused extreme pain. Entire right side of my face has ached, from teeth to eyes. It's been eight days and the aching has subsided. In a few more days I should be alright. These extended moments of ailment really don't help in easing my anxiety.
Not sure what I was thinking before moving here. I forgot how much I dislike it here. First week was rough. Feeling better today with two upcoming interviews to remind me that I am not stuck here. I I will try to enjoy it while it lasts.
I had been very unmotivated and feeling sour. Possibly due to all the time spent with family the past couple days. I miss not being involved with their bullshit.
Late last night I sat by the river and watched a train roll by. Something I forgot I missed. There's been a couple thunderstorms. I am frustrated with my living situation still.
Began reading Wage-Labour and Capital by Marx. Notes are here.
I overhear many misogynistic remarks in this bar I want to die. I lose all hope. The man sitting next to me moved to the other side of the bar when he learned that I am reading Marx. God give me the strength to put up with this bullshit.
I must be patient. I will find someone to talk with. I would leave everything behind for the streets of Baltimore, as I know that there, there is people who I can talk with.
It is May 4th. I wish I had more to say on the topic, but I am exhausted.
I have started adding my notes on The Theory of the Leisure Class here. It is a challenging read, so I hope these notes are coherent. I believe I understand Veblen's theories.
I walked around town to notice things. Things have been noticed and now this feat is even more daunting. I really must start small. I visited the food co-op to purchase lunch. I became acquainted with the woman volunteering there and will join at some point. I went to the bar, pleased to find that the bartender knows me and we had a nice conversation. However small, progress has been made.
I dislike this bar. I hope it improves once the schoolies leave. There is a group of women expressing very loud and explicit complaints about men. I can't escape it. Lord grace me with another man hating woman.
In a lot of pain. More than usual. I haven't had a day of rest in three months. Even with earplugs I often awoke from the sounds of footsteps, cats, chatter, and loud movies. Here it is at least quite. I slept in til 9am today. How can I truly rest?
Made it home. I will be kept busy. The tap water is tasty. I forgot my desktop computer is here. It may have all the 2025 writings that I permanently deleted from the laptop. I would be happy if they were there, but I'd probably not read them. I know I've changed since then. It might be difficult to read. Whoever comes across my writings in either life or death may chose to do so.
Stopped at Flower Mart for a käse schnecken. Don't know how to call them in English. The direct translation to "cheese snail" really doesn't work. Working at the library. I will miss this building. The Kent library is a bit sterile, but will have to do, of course.
Stepping away from studying radical feminist love. I've learned enough to articulate my views and I no longer need a cope for the absence of love. The desire for commitment has been corrected, at least at present. I've a found grand desire that requires full commitment. Commitment to a single person can not exist if I am to commit myself to the people. Love does not need commitment. So I may still indulge in romantic love, until that is no longer desired.
Over the banister from the mezzanine, people down below unaware of my stares. Contemplating them. Individuals with individual experiences, with individual lifestyles. Perhaps much different from my own, that I may never understand. Our similarities lie (lay?) in our desire for a better life. A life worth living.
The people are my people. (this sounds so bad without context). We all belong to the people. We must act as a collective. Admirable as is, the diligence of the individual to achieve the desire as become individualistic in nature. We retreat to ourselves. But place no blame on the individual. In this society, suppressing and inhibiting, the collective breaks down. This is the goal - to dissipate the collective. We retreat to ourselves because there we at at least improve our individual life.
We will pause here. There is something here. I am more likely to workshop short texts. Large texts are still daunting. I need to discuss my ideas, so that I may improve my ideas, write something cohesive. Something dissemination worthy. These writings are not only for you, they are for everyone. Consciousness is not raised on rants and rambles.
I continued to log during site downtime. My fear of venerability led me to restrict access to my log. Without audience, my writing became very raw. I like what I wrote during that time. I will edit and put the April log back up.
I walked ten miles today. I have edited what I wrote today.
I am working in the crowded bar.
Tomorrow we begin.